


The Academy

by Thirteen_Winter_Vixens



Series: The forging of greatness. [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Best Friends, F/M, Hurt Kirk, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Acceptance, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-22 03:13:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3712705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens/pseuds/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim T. Kirk finally found himself at Starfleet Academy, it's laughable. The only thing that troubles him is the fact that he's finding he's enjoying it and finally (for once in a long time) struggling to keep up with the amazing work that's going on. It's not only that, that's good in his life but now the older McCoy actually wants to hang out with him. Jim's starting to feel as if his life is falling into place. Classes, friends, smile number twenty-seven and avoiding the half Vulcan on campus. Jim's got it all down, he's just wondering when the next shoe is going to drop. Sequel to To Be Better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accepted

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! Again, I just wanted to say this is a in-between story and only has a few bits of James' time at the Academy, it's only going to be a few chapters in length. I hope you enjoy.

He decided he liked Leonard McCoy. The man had no regard for other people's feelings when he was stressed. “Oh, thank god, solid ground,” he said as they prepared to land in San Francisco. Jim smiled and fully decided to get to know the guy. Leonard said he had nothing and Jim felt the same way. What was there to loose?

Rigging the dorms were easy. Besides, Leonard was supposed to be paired with the cheerful Allaas that kept on smiling at everyone. Leonard would definitely like him better than the red guy. He arranged it all from his PADD as they were giving the tour of the grounds. They then were immediately shepherded into the testing facilities. Jim passed the tests with ease and he came out of the rooms hearing, “I'm doctor man, not a god damned astrophysicist!” Jim snorted. Leonard came up to him growling. “I already have huge, awful feelings about this place. It going to end terrifingly and horribly. Mark my words Jim, it's gonna be awful.” Jim was still smiling as he took the flask and got another drink. He really liked this guy.

Passing the mental health assessments were harder. They didn't have to take them until the next day, there were too many people to take them all at once, having joined up with four other large groups. Leonard and him were separated into the second group with two more after them, Uhura was out of luck, though she looked calm and just as confident, she had hers today. “Well, at least that's okay. Now they don't have to mark down how I'm depressed and slightly suicidal until tomorrow.” Jim chuckled and clapped the older man on the shoulder. “C'mon Len, we're in San Francisco. Let's explore.” The older man took him up on it with only a murmur of a grumble.

Together they found parks nearby and Len stopped at the statue and said, “So that's your dad, huh?” Jim held back a sigh and said, “Yup.” Leonard looked at him and raised his brows before saying offhandedly, “Well damn, your year might be worse than mine. I'd hate to have to be reminded constantly of my parents accomplishments.” Jim looked up at him and grinned. “I promise to tell you all about it, whenever it comes up.” Leonard scoffed and smacked him on the shoulder playfully. “My mom's a teacher and dad died long ago but he had been a MACCO solider. Not too shabby of a life but they were both proud when I turned eight and said I wanted to be a doctor.” They walked into the park and looked at all the red shirts. People were still having classes to get to even though it was still a week until the term actually started. Jim would have to take summer courses in order to graduate early, but that was doable.

“So you always knew you wanted to be a doctor?” Jim asked as they roamed into the busy walkways. Leonard nodded and said, “I experienced death early in my life. I've always wanted to be the best damn doctor on Terra. I went to school, got into the best resident program in the world and then met my crazy, devil-spawn of a wife. We married and my last few years of residency went to shit. I just got my license last year, even had plans to open up a joint private practice with my best friend there.” Leonard shook his head and nodded in a general direction. Jim looked and nodded in response. A bar sounded nice right then. Jim put an arm around his new buddy and said, “Well man, I feel for ya. I've never loved anyone really. Not in that sense. Way too much trouble.” Leonard laughed and they both ordered whiskeys. “Too god damned true.” They clinked glasses, both smiling.

By the time evening set, Jim was surprised that he was still talking and listening to Leonard. The man truly had a shit time of it lately and he knew there was more to the story than the older man let on. “So, why are going to this disastrous hell-hole of a school?” Jim shrugged, “I guess I wanted to show my old man up.” Leonard snorted.

They crashed in their (maybe) future dorm room that was surprisingly spacious and airy. They had their own bathroom which Jim loved. It even had a water setting. He sighed when he saw it, turning, he looked at Leonard and said, “You know I'm beginning to warm up to the place. A few homey touches and it could be great.” Leonard lifted a brow at him and replied, “You've got to be kidding me.” Leonard was made slightly better by a good night's sleep, playing around on his PADD, he research Doctor Kate Nandry and Doctor Ke'k Gouthbr Kell.

He got Nandry's information almost immediately, and she was a bad, bad doctor. Jim smiled as he read over the incident report, supposed to be sealed three years ago. As for Kell, he came up empty handed and would have to pray the man was like most Fayra aliens. Hopefully, his inner being wasn't so compromised by human moralities. Doctor Teagan Morgan however, he took off his list right away.

While Leonard slept, Jim hacked into the surveillance cameras throughout San Francisco, most being upgraded currently by Sana Kor's technology. Finding her out was a gold star of luck. Finding her out and at a lovely old fashioned pub at midnight was even better. Jim glanced at a sleeping Leonard, stood up, grabbed his jacket and silently walked out.

The next morning, before dawn, Jim turned onto his side and whispered, “Good morning.” The brunette stretched and turned, her eyes widening when she saw him. He grinned, “You look lovely in the morning. Do you want to do this again or should I just quietly leave? I'm still getting the hang of this.” For a few moments, shock made the doctor silent, of course she didn't remember what happened (or didn't happen) thanks to Jim mixing her drink with the foreign hasha syrup not recommended for human consumption.

“Um...oh god.”

She covered her face and Jim knew exactly where her thoughts went, to her fiance in London. He nodded, still smiling and said, “Okay. See you some other time.”

He was back in bed at his dorm before Leonard even started to grumble in his sleep. A trait Jim would come to recognize meaning he was slowly waking up. Leonard blinked and said, “Damn. It wasn't a nightmare.” Jim chuckled.

At exactly oh-eight hundred they were in a large waiting room with thirty-three other hopeful future cadets. One woman was mumbling to herself, trying to practice answers, another guy looked calm and bored. Jim turned to Leonard and asked, “What's the big deal about this?” Leonard, head back and his eyes closed said, “Just choose the mind meld. It takes like three seconds and they know you're okay and not crazy.” And indeed, many people chose that option. They came out shaky but smiling. Leonard went in first and contrary to his own advice took twenty minutes before he grumbled on out. He nodded at Jim and said, “I'll meet you at the bar.” Jim nodded back and stood as his name was called. The seven others that were left, all looked up at his name.

Jim sat down and smiled. Doctor Morgan's eyes went wide and she immediately excused herself. Kell took her place by coming in through a back door. _Well, here it goes_ , Jim thought. “James Kirk, you have the option for a mind meld done by our newest instructor-”

“I won't be taking that option.”

Both Morgan's and Nandry's brows raised but Nandry pressed a button on her PADD. The voice reconnection came on and Kell spoke, his voice rough and thickly accented, “You are going to be recorded for any future references. Is that acceptable?” Jim spoke clearly, “It is.”

“Then let us get started.”

The questions were simple at first, was it okay if they used the pulse reconnection?

Yes. His finger held clear band-aid looking device.

Was it okay for them to use the CTP to monitor his brain activity during certain questions?

Yes. 

Then he got another little circular, clear band-aid on his temple and the questions officially started.

“Please state your name and age.”

“My name is James Tiberius Kirk and I am twenty-two years old.”

“Why do you wish to join Star Fleet?”

“I want to make a difference and do something both meaningful and good. I believe that this is truly the best way I could accomplish that goal.”

Doctor Nandry took a small opportunity to check a message binging from her comm. Her brows went up and she quickly composed herself. Kell was the one who spoke. “Do you have any bias against any type of race? Has anything happened in your life to affect how you would conduct your duties?”

“No. I have no bias of any race. Nothing has happened in my life to affect my duties concerning any one type of being.” Jim controlled his heart rate, he breathed calmly but he knew something went off because Kell's eyes blinked at the same time.

“What do you believe you could contribute to future positions in Star Fleet?”

“I will be taking the command track to hopefully one day captain my own ship. I believe that I can offer Star Fleet out of the box thinking and dedication to everything that I work on and toward.” Jim watched as Kell got a message on his phone and excused himself for a short while.

Nandry looked uncomfortable being alone with him and tensed when he gave her a bright smile. She shook herself and asked, “The command track is a five to six year term. Some, however, are capable of completion in four years with extra classes and study makeups. You are required to take nine piloting classes that deter in length from a semester to a year. There are four corresponding classes, seven classes involving navigation, as well as a semester on board a ship learning the practical side of your studies.” Kell came back in looking paler than his normally dark purple complexion. He spoke next, much more calm than he had been, “As a cadet taking command track you are also required to take at least one linguistics class and four classes involving diplomatic studies, ethics, as well as management of both people and official documents. There are a minimum three survival strategy courses in which you have to take. ”

Jim beamed at Kell and Nandry, even eyed the two-way window that he knew Doctor Morgan was behind and said, “That sounds excellent. But I want to do all that in three years, with a minor in engineering. I also want to take more than one linguistics class and all of the survival courses, in which you offer, if that's possible.”

Both doctors glanced at each other and then away, all the while, Jim kept on beaming.


	2. The Difference between Friends and Brothers

School wasn't boring. For the first time in a long time, Jim was working to keep up. He told Pike as well as the board of directors and the admirals that he could do three years. And they had taken him up on it with a few nudges from Christopher Pike whom Jim thought was waiting for him to fail. And Professor Moore who ambushed him on his first day and called him (loudly) a fucking moron for trying three years (they went out for scotchs that night).

The only other people in the history of the school to do three years were either people like McCoy who already had schooling and certificates and were automatically in their second year coming in. People like that didn't count, Jim figured. So that left four people. The first a brilliant physicist who pretty much single-handily created the core that Star Ships use today. The second had been a Cardassian pilot back when they had a little peace treaty. She didn't count because she manipulated her way to the third year. (Jim didn't count manipulation prior to getting in as counting.) But she had been brilliant. The third person to do his workload was the Vulcan instructor he was truly not investigating. He wasn't even going near the Vulcan. He had no bias.

James Kirk, Captain of No Bias.

The first month, Jim learnt quickly which professors were capable of being befriended and which were strictly no-go territory. He learned never to piss off Lieutenant Parker unless he wanted five hours extra working on the most boring, repetitive coding on ancient systems meant to help elementary student's learn engineering (the lieutenant's side project in helping the community). He learned that the instructor for his survival courses was Mason Ronell, the same Mason who had been in the cave with him those last few days of Tarsus. Mason recognized him right away. He nodded, his eyes darkening with memories. “It's good to see you. How you've been?” Jim nodded back and said slowly, “I'm better. When did you join Star Fleet?” Mason picked up the mats they were going to training with and threw it down on the floor where he wanted it. “Oh, awhile ago now. Opted out of going back out into space though. I've had my share. I like to teach and I was the best student in this area for five years.”

Jim nodded. Mason had always been creative in surviving. “Ready to show me what you've learned in the past eight years?” Jim grinned and replied, “Oh, Mason. I thought you'd never ask. Ready to hand that number one spot over yet?” Mason pushed him playfully as the rest of the class started to gather around. Him and mason went out went out for lunch that day and they talked (mostly Mason) on what had happened since. Mason was engaged to a nurse and seemed happy. He still had nightmares but other than that seemed good. He asked Jim about Tevik. 

"We heard it and came running. I tried to help, you know, I don't think you're aware of that. There was nothing we could do. Henry and I fought about it for hours. Henry wanted to kill him. Jim, I'm sorry." Jim nodded, having no appetite for the dish in front of him. "If you attacked him, he would have killed you. It's a biological thing." Mason nodded and said, "I figured it was something like that. They're all so secretive about their mates and how they get together. Besides, that wasn't the Tevik I knew. I don't suppose you kept in touch with him after what happened." Jim shook his head, "Nah, not really." Mason looked pained and said, "Again, sorry, really." Jim finally smirked and said, "Alright, tell me about April and how you two met." That brightened him up and Jim tried his best to push those memories down deep.

That first month showed Jim just how excited he could be again. Truly excited. He hadn't felt this good since the start of Sana Kor. He was truly something new. He was smoothed-skinned and smiling, he wasn't investigating the people he met and especially the Vulcan he saw from a distance. He was the charmer, the guy who made it all look easy. He was Jim Kirk, son of George Kirk and ready to show everyone else up. Especially, George Kirk, both of them.

“You're beating yourself out.” Leonard said, on Tuesday. Jim looked up from his five PADDS spread out on his bed. “...What?” “Exactly. When was the last time you slept? Each time I come back here, you're either on those damned PADDs working or you're in class.” Jim looked back down at his research and replied, “I can't sleep right now. I have four essays due and Professor Moore wants to meet me at three. By the time we go over my next project and the new data I collected, I won't have time to finish these for tomorrow.” Leonard didn't drop it and instead he stood there and gaped at him for a few moments.

“Wait. Are you telling me you're doing seven different essays right now, because you told me you had three to do just yesterday. And you told me you're taking three linguistic classes so that you could make it onto the council next year. And you have three projects on the go as well.” Leonard pointed at the contraption on the dorm's desk. “How are planning on keeping up with all of this?” Jim shrugged, his headache coming back again. “I'm really good at being organized.” Leonard just shook his head and then instead of walking away like Jim had predicted, did the exact opposite.

Leonard came at him and out of nowhere, hypoed him. Jim gasped and bolted away. “What the fuck!” Just like that, his headache thudded softly, Leonard crossed his arms and fading from Jim's vision, Jim heard, “I'm sorry Jim, but it's for you're own good. You need some rest, it'll only last a few hours. You'll have time to catch up with Moore later.”

Jim stretched and frowned. He tried remembering what his nightmares had been about. He remembered the feeling of not being able to move. Had it been about the slab? Tevik? Jim groaned, at least the last few moments, he felt good. He felt relaxed and his headache was gone for the first time in weeks. Tevik was silently busy and working. He could barely feel him anymore. Jim stretched again, this time loving the movement. The sun was good, not too hot, just warm on his skin and finally Jim realized that he had been sleeping. He bolted up and remembered everything. Wide-eyed, he looked at Leonard who was sitting in the desk chair, looking right at him. Jim clenched his jaw and tried to control his anger. “What the fuck, Leonard?” The older man did look ashamed and he replied quickly, as Jim started to get up, “I'm really sorry Jim. Really, I am but you weren't thinking straight. You haven't slept more than three hours in the past week. You might be able to fool everyone else around here, but I live with you and I've seen you with that dermal charger. You're beat out. You needed sleep. And while I'm am apologizing for springing it on you, I'm not going to apologize for making you sleep.”

Jim was absolutely furious. He didn't know what to do with himself. Leonard had been cool, easy, and really they lived together harmoniously, but doing that, having him vulnerable and Jim hated the fact that he even allowed Leonard that close to him. Without saying anything, Jim grabbed his jacket and left the room. He ignored Leonard calling him. Jim lasted an entire week without seeing Leonard. He didn't go back to their dorm and instead stayed at the Sana Kor offices that were in the middle of being built. He answered all his emails and held a conference with both Jenna and Adalyn (at different times.) Jim caught up on all his work and met up with Moore, who called him every name in the book even though Leonard had contacted him prior to reschedule. Jim was only caught as he left his linguistics class.

Leonard was waiting for him, looking tired and agitated. He stood up straighter when he saw Jim and Jim clenched his jaw at the sight. Before he could talk to an Orion girl that caught his eye, Uhura came up and walked off with her. Jim sighed and waited for Leonard to walk up to him. “Listen, Jim. I'm really sorry. Do you want to get a drink?” Jim's lips twitched without him thinking about it. It was noon and he had five more classes for the day. But a drink sounded nice and Jim soon found himself at the campus bar and restaurant.

They sat down and not for the first time, Jim wondered why he was even considering talking to Leonard. Except for the fact that McCoy looked nothing short of self-berating. “So, you wanted to talk?” Leonard winced and he said, “Listen, I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have jumped you like that. I just...I can get a little overprotective when people I care about are hurting.” Jim raised a brow. He hadn't been hurt, and he never gave away when a headache started. Leonard shook his head and said, “You did that to yourself. You weren't even paying attention to your own body. You were shaking Jim! You might be able to concentrate on your work and I don't know how you do it when you didn't eat in two days. You have to take better care of yourself. I don't want to see you collapsing one day in the middle of class because you're exhausting yourself. I don't even know how you manage it.” Jim frowned, really listening, he spoke confused, “You care about me?”

Leonard froze, the scotch halfway to his mouth. “You have got to be fucking joking.” At Leonard's tone, Jim froze. Leonard scowled and he spoke loudly, “You think that I'd spend all of my weekends out with you, that I'd talk to you, that I'd go out of my way to to say I fucked up, for just anyone? You think I'd let you crash in the hospital call rooms just so you could look up medical shit for Professor Warren? If I didn't care, I wouldn't even bother saying morning when we get up in morning. You're my friend, Jim, I care.”

Both men were silent, Jim a little awed and Leonard who was getting even more frustrated. “Wait...are you trying to say you don't give a shit about me?” Leonard's brows came together in a look that conveyed his own confusion, frustration and uncertainty. Suddenly, Jim thought about the last couple of weeks. Leonard and him laughing, joking, playing poker with those Tellarites who totally cheated, the bar fight that followed. Jim actually managed to sleep when the other man was in the room. He really thought about it, and about the past week without Leonard in it. Jim missed him and with surprise, found he was beginning to trust the older man. “I don't have many friends. Never have.” Leonard snorted as if he found it to be exaggerated. Jim supposed he looked like someone who should have been popular in high school, he looked like someone who should have gone to high school. “Well I think your a good guy Jim, so...are we okay?” Jim looked at at Leonard and finally, after real thought, smiled and said, “Yeah...friend.”

Leonard snorted before taking a long drink, finally relaxing.

* * *

 

 

After that, Jim and Leonard's friendship took a turn. It was a good one, one that made both of them surprised at several points. They joked about professors and Jim manged to get Leonard out of class on more than one occasion. Jim introduced Leonard to Andorian Whiskey, which he later regretted, when he couldn't get the bottle back from the doctor who drunkenly proclaimed it his favourite drink. Leonard finally put his doctoring skills to the test in December, neither went home for the holidays and instead they spent Christmas out at the few restaurants that were open before rushing back home.

“Holy Christ, Jim. Sit down, relax.”

Jim's heartbeat was doing about two hundred beats a minute, so relaxing was hard to do. He stumbled towards the gurney, in the nurses room. “Hey," he tried saying, it came out more as a wheeze, “You broke into the nurses offices. So cool.”

“Shut up, man! You shouldn't be talking with your neck that swollen! Why didn't you tell me you were allergic to Hannak!”

Jim shrugged as his vision started going bleary. It was only then as his emotions were piking, his heart racing, that he felt the pull from Tevik. He hissed in pain. It was always painful now. He half gasped, half choked as he felt the puncture of a hypo. It took fifteen minutes and two more hypos before he started feeling okay. Leonard still looked freaked out and he said, “I think you're getting an infection too, you've been couching for a couple of days now.” He checked Jim's temperature, blood pressure and eye dilation. “C'mon, let's get you back in bed.” Jim turned when Leonard tried to lead him out and he badly tried to whisper, “Don't you want to take anything?” Leonard scoffed and said, “I'm not stealing shit from the school. It'd be my luck that we get caught and then have the ultimate punishment, like having to work with Admiral Archer, I hate that guy. C'mon.” Leonard made him list all the things that he knew he was allergic to. When Jim started slowing down with only twenty-seven things on the list, Jim grew more forgetful as Leonard's frustration mounted.

“You have Lannect's syndrome, you're allergic to at least fifty things and you can't even tell me all of them! How are you not dead? How do you go to the processors and just get a meal without checking? God, I thought you were careless before but now you're just suicidal! You're planning on being a Captain! How the fuck are you going to captain a ship? This is an actual disease, you know!” Jim winced, his ears were ringing and his throat was still sore. Definitely getting an infection. “When I'm better, I'll remember more.” Leonard sighed loudly and said, “We have a few more days before school starts back up and everyone get's back. Rest. I'll make sure you're getting medicine that won't kill you.”

Jim hadn't gotten a bad infection for years. For being a sufferer of Lannect's syndrome for almost all his life, he got off easy. He knew it before, but the last week of the holiday's really showed him how bad it could be. Leonard nursed him, he knew the older man was there like he used to know Sam was there. He lost a few days, the fever completely stealing his memory, another couple of days were hazy, blurry and cherished for he couldn't feel the tightness in his chest and the coughing fits that left him breathless and winded, with a hard lump in his throat. He felt Tevik on the edge of the bond, harsh and hot the bond burned as he shivered. His mind kept on flashing to Kevin, unexpectedly, causing night terrors that refused to end.

When Jim finally woke, feeling tired but much better, he groaned. He felt warm, not overly so but nice, safe and comfortable. He only then noticed the weight when he started to stretch, some of his bones cracking slightly aching from being tense too long. Turning, he saw an exhausted looking Leonard asleep next to him. Jim smiled at the sight and laid still, careful not to wake the doctor. It didn't matter, Leonard woke only a few seconds later. Blinking, he slowly said, “You're up.” Jim nodded, “Achy, tired, but back to being me. How long has it been?” By the look of Leonard it had been a few days. Leonard snorted and sat up, running his hands over his messy hair, he had stubble that hadn't been there when Jim first got sick.

“Eleven days.” Jim's eyes widened. “What?” Leonard nodded, looking grim. “You were out for most of it, I thought of bringing you to a hospital, but truthfully for Lannect's, there's nothing anyone could do that I couldn't from here. Also, happy new year, you missed that.” Jim frowned and slowly moved, his muscles still tense and heavy. “Don't move too fast, take it easy.” Jim frowned as he looked down, he was in pyjama pants he hadn't had on before and he was clean. Jim looked over at his shoulder giving Leonard a look and Leonard reading it completely, scoffed but still blushed slightly. “I'm a doctor man! You had to bathe and the steam helped with your lungs.” Leonard quickly got up and Jim grinned at his back. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jim replied playfully, his voice rough, “If you wanted to see me naked, you just had to ask.” Leonard threw a pillow at him and called out, “You need to shave and just to let you know,” Leonard turned back from his chair at his desk to look at him, he smirked something evil, before he replied, “School started two days ago, you missed like fourteen classes.” Jim gaped and Leonard took pity on him. “The plus side is that it's Saturday, so you still have one day to catch up on everything you missed.”

That wasn't helpful.

* * *

 

 

Jim didn't realized he was coming to rely on Leonard being near all the time. It wasn't like it was with Jenna, whom knew all about his dark side, whom looked at him with respect and fear as Adalyn loved his strength, Locan loved Sorren. Tevik hadn't really considered Jim a friend, but Jim tried to remember how he once considered the Vulcan his. He frowned, looking out the window, into a foggy day, he tried to remember what real friends were like. He needed something to compare this to. How did a person tell if someone was a real friend? How did normal people do that?

Leonard found him at the back table, he plopped down two coffees and said, “We should do something for spring break. It's been nothing but work the past few months.” Jim nodded. Even the doctor had been busy during the weekends, Jim didn't see him for five days in late January, though when Leonard found out he was top in class, they both celebrated hard. “What do you want to do?” “I don't know. Do you want to do a trip somewhere? I know it's short notice...” Jim shrugged and replied truthfully, “Sure. I've always wanted to see London or Paris. Apparently, the Isle of Zealand is going to have a conference on intergalactic space communications and abnormalities throughout the twenty-second- What?” Jim cut himself off as Leonard kept on staring at him. “Well...I was thinking more of a road trip since we don't have to the money to take a shuttle across the globe.” Jim paused and thought about it. Normal people, he supposed, did not have their own shuttles. “Well,” he spoke carefully, “I know a guy, who knows a guy. Long story. Why don't you pick the place and I will figure out where we're going.”

Leonard nodded and took a long sip of his coffee looking doubtful.

* * *

 

 

By the time spring break came along, Leonard had, had enough. He sat down on his bed as Jim packed a backpack carefully and expertly. “So, are you ever going to open up? Or are we just going to go on like this?” Jim looked up and frowned, replying, “What are you talking about?” Leonard raised a brow and said, “Jim, I know I'm not the most touchy-feely type, whatever. But I do believe that some form of talking helps. I've seen it with patients. When I hypoed you in October, you had these terrible nightmares. You talked in your sleep. I thought it was because of the medication. Again,” Leonard spoke quickly for the dirty look Jim was giving him, “Again, I'm sorry about that. But when you were sick, they came again. Every time your defences are down you get solemn, and don't think I haven't noticed how quickly you can lie. At that party you dragged me to, I watched as you changed from goofy sex toy to actually tensing as that girl led you upstairs. I saw that, even though it was minor and you relaxed right away, for some reason you're playing a role that isn't you. I like you Jim, but I don't like being lied to.”

Jim raised a brow and stopped packing as he replied, “Tell me Leonard, it's been what, seven months that we've known each other? Why don't you tell me why you don't trust people? Why you have, what, three friends including myself. And the other two are your colleagues, so let's not count them.” Leonard looked away and clenched his jaw and Jim shrugged, saying, “We all have things we don't like to talk about.” Leonard nodded and sighed, finally when he spoke next, he surprised Jim once more. “I don't like friends. I had them once, not much good it did me. There was my best friend when I was young. I told you I experienced death early.” Leonard looked up and Jim saw the seriousness of the conversation to come.

Jim sat down opposite Leonard and waited for the man to open up to him. “Jeremy Hallcrow was his name. Brunette like me but with really green eyes. Even at nine, you could see he was going to be a looker. And he used it often, got into a damn lot trouble dragging me behind him. Well, one night I told him I was going home, we were out past curfews again, down by the docks by the river and we had just scared the pants off Kyle Burton, he was a jackass and still is today. Damn lawyers. We got into a fight, something stupid, me being a coward which I took way too hard. I suppose I was though, I never wanted to get into trouble or to explore anything new. I was frightened he'd leave like my brother outgrew all of the old friends who used to stop by the house. Ma said it was natural, growing up. But I knew, even back then, I'd never have a friend like that again. Jeremy had my back, always there, always ready to defend me, take the fall, even when it was my fault. There was no questioning it or each other. So we fought and I stormed off. I thought we'd just make up the next day, like we usually did.” Leonard sighed again, this one heavy and his eyes grew dark. “He didn't show up to school the next day. It upset me but I wasn't surprised, he usually skipped the next day after a fight. He knew how to make it hurt for me.” Jim winced, he had done the exact same thing to Leonard just a few months ago. “Well the news came later that night. Mom got it over a phone call. He drowned. Usually the river was calm but occasionally when there was a flood in the neighbouring town or a harsh storm, the current could get strong. Jeremy was a good swimmer, but it usually took two of us to make it to the other side. I wasn't there.”

Jim sighed and said, “Len-” “I know. Not my fault. I've heard it a thousand times. I'm telling you this because I haven't told anyone it before, except a gang of shit talking therapists when I was young. I think...I don't know... that somehow you'd get it. That loss, even if you'd naturally grow out of it, it's...”

“It's something that you could look back on that's perfect in that moment. You had a brother, and he had you, it's not something you forget. That closeness. I've had that Len, for a couple months, sometimes I fooled myself into believing it and sometimes it was real. I think it was real. I understand. I do.” Leonard nodded, saying, “Friends are hard to come by. I want you to trust me because I trust you, Jim. I want you to rely on me and know that I'm going to be there for you. Yeah, we might grow apart one day, yeah we might end up hating each other. But right now, you're all I got.” Jim sat there stunned and realized it was true. Both ways. He couldn't go back to Reklor, he couldn't go back to Zanni Mi, he had Star Fleet and he had Leonard to keep him stable, healthy and...safe.

Jim swallowed and said, “I think there's more to that story.”

Leonard ran a hand through his hair and said, “Yeah. A bit. You first.” Jim sighed and said, “Well, I had a brother. Sam Kirk. No one here really remembers him. I guess we grew up knowing that and I knew it would be true when he died. He was murdered, his throat was cut in front of me.” Leonard's eyes widened. “Jim-” Jim shook his head and said, “Not the worst part really. It was the fact that I felt like I was an intruder. Sam and I, you see, we weren't that close. I was jealous of him all my life. And I think he was slightly jealous of me. Mom loved him more, or at least she didn't cry around him. He wasn't so serious and he made friends easy. He was really, genuinely nice. And...”

Jim glanced up at Leonard and then back down to the floor. He didn't know how much he could say without admitting how bad a person he was or including things that he just couldn't talk about. “It takes effort for me to be selfless. I have to think around all the angles before I make a decision on anything. It lets me think outside of the box, something Sam wasn't good at, but it also makes me break the rules and sometimes harshly. When Sam died, it was horrifying, I never pictured him gone, but if I am being truthful, I never pictured us close either. We'd comm each other, say happy birthday and happy Christmas. We celebrated those as best we could. But Sam, Sam always showed me what I wasn't and I couldn't stand him for being so much better than me. It was everything I lost with Sam that hurt the most. My mom I couldn't look at, I couldn't pretend that she was a mother after that. She hadn't really been there during my childhood and I felt too angry with her. I had a friend too, but he was Sam's friend, so I lost him. I couldn't go home because I hadn't really had a home to begin with, I ran and I didn't look back until just recently. Lot of good that did me.”

Leonard looked surprised and he said, “How old were you?” Jim shrugged and said, “Thirteen, fourteen around there. Long story.” Leonard nodded and said, “My wife cheated on me.” Jim was stumped by that comment but Leonard continued. “Actually, it was more like she had an affair for a year and a half. I didn't see it at all in the beginning. I was grieving, I suppose. I was angry. She aborted our child and I didn't even know she was pregnant until Tom admitted her to the hospital with complications. Tom was my best friend since freshman year of college, we knew each other for a good fifteen years by that point. And he was the boyfriend she was seeing, the best man at our wedding. I didn't find out until I came home early from a conference trip. We'd been married since I was twenty-eight, so it was our four year anniversary. Well, cliche I suppose, found them together, we fought and it all came out. I broke my hand breaking Tom's jaw and spent almost three years in the worst bitter divorce hears you'd ever saw. Funny thing was, I found out that it was Tom was got her to abort the baby, a girl, it was suppose to be. And now they have a child together, a boy named Carter. Getting married too, next year from what my sister says.”

Jim blew out a breath and shook his head. “We need liquor.”

* * *

 

 

That week they didn't go anywhere but whatever bar was open and close. They talked about things they hadn't before. Jim didn't bring up too much but he did finally say how lonely he was, without really saying it. It all came out the night they got smashed drunk on illegal Cardassian yellow Volkka. Jim ended up falling down on the lawn of their dormitories and Leonard quickly followed with a loud huff. “I don't...I don't think I can get up again.” Leonard's words were slurred badly with his accent and slow, Jim knew he wasn't much better. Jim laughed as the world spun around him.

“Hey Len,” Leonard was shuffling on the grass, he moved until he was next to Jim, who didn't think he could tilt his head without throwing up, never mind shuffle and crawl. “Yeah?” Leonard said, turning until he was facing the stars like Jim. “When I get my own ship... I'm ...I'm going to get you to work with me.” Leonard snorted and said, “Jim, you need me to work with you, no one will remember all those...those allergies.” Leonard hiccuped and Jim smiled, too sleepy to chuckle. “Yeah.” Jim finally managed to tilt his head to look at Leonard. Leonard, who had just told him he was scared of being alone, who was frightened he'd push everyone he loved away, or worse he'd hold on too tightly and they'd run instead.

“I think I'm clingy.”

Leonard looked back at him, his eyes glossy and his face pink and relaxed. “You think?” Jim nodded and said, “I'm a latcher, I latch on to certain things and it's hard to let go. But I don't really know with people. People tend to not stay long enough for me to know. I think I'm clingy.” Leonard replied, his words thick and slightly hard to understand, “That's not so bad. It's okay.” Jim took a few seconds to realize what he said and moved without thinking. He really hated it when he did that. He blamed the alcohol. Jim moved to kiss Leonard lightly, chastely and Leonard let him. When Jim put his head back down, Leonard frowned and said, “Jim, I'm not...I'm not....”

“I know.” Jim said relaxed. “I just want you to know, I'm yours now. Forever. So be prepared for cling-y-ness.” Jim shut his eyes and didn't catch Leonard's smile. “'k.” “Also, I'm so renaming you.” That drew Leonard's attention. “Wha?” Jim nodded, making his stomach turn and he clench his jaw to stop his nausea. “Bones. That's what I'm calling you.” Jim turned his head once more to look at Bones, who frowned. “That's what you said when we met. You had nothing but your bones, but now you have me too. So I'm never going to let you forget that. You got more than just yourself now.” Bones smiled and chuckled and said, “Well Jim, I won't leave if you don't. But careful what you wish for, you're stuck with me too.”

* * *

 

The next morning the sun was bright and Jim groaned at his hangover. He woke with a shadow blocking the sun and groaned again as his head and stomach caught up with him. Jim slowly lifted his body to his elbows, Bones following suit looking just as haggard. Captain Christopher Pike stood before them, arms crossed and looking furious. Jim looked to Bones who looked back at him and both of them had the same thought. _Shit._ When Jim stumbled up on his feet he found the whole campus out and walking to and from classes. People grinned at them, laughed and others shook their heads. The illegal Volkka bottle lay just a coupld inches away from them. Jim turned to Chris and said, “You can't prove we drank that.” Chris pinched his nose and said, “Just go to your dorms and for god's sake, don't ever pass out in public again or I will have to alert the Admiralty.” Jim and Bones grinned at their luck and waved at the onlookers, helping each other across the lawn to hollers and chuckles.

Chris grumpily and discreetly discarded of the bottle, all the while, shaking his head and grumbling.


	3. Amanda, Uhura and Professor Spock

When summer came it gave Jim a much needed break. Although, he did have summer classes and Bones was taking a few just to stay on campus with him, they didn't start for two weeks. That left two weeks to sleep, relax and not think about everything he learned in the last nine months. It was May sixth, sunny and warm, the gulls around the bay were calling and Jim was throwing what was left of his hot dog into the ocean. He smiled as a small bird plucked it up.

“That's bad for them, you know.”

Jim turned and grinned, surprised. “What are you doing here?” Amanda smiled and rushed to give him a hug. “I'm here to check in on my family. Sarek's at the Federation Council looking over another treaty with earth and Spock's decided to teach some classes over the summer.” Jim lifted his brows and said, “Wow, he's teaching?” Amanda looked up at them as they started to walk together. “Of course you have no idea what I'm talking about. You've been ignoring my comms for almost a year now.” Jim winced. The last time he commed her, he told her he entered Star Fleet and that he was doing good. He had left it as a message, knowing she'd be sleeping at the time.

“Sorry about that. I just had so much going on. I planned on contacting you, really.” Amanda raised a brow, particularly Vulcan-like, it made Jim feel even more guilty. “As long as you make it up to me. How about some tea and you can join Spock and I for lunch?” Jim tried not to show his nervousness at that and instead, replied, “I might be busy this afternoon. Let's have tea and see if I can make lunch.” Amanda hid her sceptical expression well but Jim caught it as she turned away. He was not avoiding Spock, he had no bias.

It wasn't until they sat down outside a cafe that Jim finally connected the dots and said, “Wait. Spock's teaching, which isn't odd on Earth, but is he..is he teaching at Star Fleet?” Amanda sat stoically but he could see her confusion underneath the surface. “Of course. Haven't you seen him around?” Jim gaped. Yeah, he'd seen him. He had been looking out his dorm window (not being paranoid) and saw Uhura get barrelled into by a fellow student on command track. Spock had helped her collect her books. Spock..Professor Spock who taught Ethics and Culture for the second and third year students. He did not at all stare at the Vulcan. Vulcan, he hadn't known just by glancing at the man that he was a hybrid. He expected, he didn't know, more of Amanda he supposed. But he hadn't gotten close enough to see his eyes.

Jim thought about those pictures back at Amanda's and said, “I've seen him, haven't had any of his classes though. Why don't you have any current photo's of him?” Amanda frowned and said, “I do. Oh, you're thinking of the holopics. They tend to glitch on certain photos and get stuck on one or another. I have others on my PADD and that's what I mostly use.” Amanda reached in her purse and took out her PADD. There was her, recently too, and there beside her, Lieutenant Spock, looking stoic and yet Jim could see a bit of lightness in his eyes. Definitely part Amanda. “Huh. I always thought he was younger for some reason.” Amanda chuckled and replied easily, “I thought there was some confusion there. You always seemed confused when I said you two should meet. He's not in his teens I can assure you, though, thank you for thinking I was so young to have a child that hasn't reached maturity.” Jim shrugged and said the truth, “You don't look past thirty-five.” Amanda laughed.

They had a good long conversation and Jim was sad when her comm went off. “That's my alarm, I'm meeting Spock at Leo's. Please join us.” Amanda did look like she wanted him to come and Jim struggled with it. Truthfully, he'd do almost anything for Amanda but meet a Vulcan, even her son, it made his head pound. He really didn't want to show how stressed the meeting would make him. He needed time to relax. He needed time to become Captain with No Bias. “I'll walk you.” Amanda looked upset but she relented and he took her arm in his. “Tell me about your work. We've discussed all my classes and upcoming semester on board the Farragut. I want to hear how the amazing Amanda is doing in her research of communications, and of course all your children.” Amanda laughed and replied, “Well the first thing you need to know is that Vulcan children can come up with amazing helpful research.”

They talked until they reached down the street from the vegetarian cafe. Spock sat, straight and posed, Jim was once again struck by the gracefulness of Vulcans. Even sitting down, Spock looked composed and regal. He was definitely the picture of aristocratically, it was the first time Jim saw him out of Instructor blacks, and Jim eyed the navy peacoat and burgundy scarf. He looked fashionable, and overdressed, but he supposed that even as a half-Vulcan, he was still cold on Earth. Amanda turned to him and said, “Are you sure you don't want to join?” She had a smile that he couldn't place but he nodded. “Next time you're in town, comm me and we'll get together.” She nodded and replied, “You contact me and tell me how you do with Captain Garrovick.” He nodded as well and watched as she left and approached her son. They hugged and Jim could see even from that distance how Amanda's smile brightened when they parted. Once more he felt the ache of wanting that. Jim turned and didn't see Spock's gaze glance to him before turning back to sit down and speak to his mother.

* * *

 

Jim didn't research Spock. Even though he now knew he was the Spock, Amanda's Spock, he didn't want to give in to his paranoia. He wasn't that person anymore. Jim wasn't avoiding him or... maybe he was avoiding him. Jim found himself in front of his PADD system in August, he had just checked his line up for the coming term and was debating hard over what to do. He had just spent the summer in three classes as well as on the Farragut and he was due to spend at least three more weeks in September back on the ship. He didn't have such a harsh course load this term, though he was still taking more than the average student. He had more piloting lessons this term, as well as signing up for Linguistic club now that he was a second year. Mostly, he wanted to piss off Uhura (he still didn't know her name since he wasn't investigating anyone and it was really nagging him by this point) but he also loved learning from everyone there.

But it was his Ethics course that was giving him an ulcer. Inter-species Ethics and Culture; Instructor (the newly appointed) Commander Spock. Jim groaned and didn't look up as Bones loudly entered their dorm room. “You're back, great, now the place is going to be a pig's sty again.” “Nice to see you too, Bones. And I'm going back out soon anyway. I'm severing two quarters on board.” Bones winced and replied, “Thank God that isn't me. I don't envy you.” Jim snorted, truthfully, he loved being on the ship. Within the last three months he learned a lot from Captain Garrovick and Garrovick really liked him too. Not to start off with, but when Jim aced his applied tests and saved the crew from a hypothetical crash, it raised him a couple levels in the older man's eyes.

“What are you working on?” Jim replied truthfully, “Trying to figure out how to drop a mandatory class.” That made Bones stop unpacking his own work. “You? Drop a class? Who pissed you off enough to stop studying?” “I'm not pissed, I just really don't want to be there. Think they'd let me write a really big essay instead?” Bones snorted but leaned over him to see the screen. “Okay, I completely get why you want to drop that class. I heard from Greg that some Vulcan guy was a hard ass. Doesn't allow any extensions, doesn't give out material if you've missed, you have to ask another student, apparently he hasn't heard of humans being annoyed with sharing notes. Vulcans. So, how are you going to handle that?”

“I have no idea.” Jim let his head fall down and he shut his eyes, ignoring Bones snickering.

* * *

 

He sat at the very back of the class. He wasn't even tempted to annoy Uhura who sat in the first row with her roommate, the Orion girl he had yet to introduce himself too. She looked back at him and smiled and he offered a small one in response before the doors opened and class feel silent. Spock was a perfect teacher. Jim spent an hour and a half admiring his to-the-fact tactics as well as straight forward teachings. It was all A B C with him and Jim was getting annoyed at how many hands were going up in the air.

By the end of the lesson, he realized firstly; he didn't wright anything down, that fifty-percent of the people were going to drop out of this course or fail, and of course, he realized he really couldn't be in this class. His heart was racing by the end, his eyes kept on glancing towards the door and as he scrambled out with the crowd to avoid being seen, he realized the pounding in his head was his bond and his nose started to bleed. He thought that symptom would have ended by now.

Bones met him in the bathrooms by complete accident. The older man immediately frowned but before he could ask, Jim jumped in, “It's nothing. I just got a nose bleed. Too hot or something.” “It's fall and you've got those a couple times the past year. Let me look.” It stopped after a couple minutes and he was rewarded with news. While Bones took a piss he called out, “Oh, so apparently Spock's course is a little too hard for the average student to take.” Jim snorted at that, idiots. “So, the board thought they'd bring in another instructor for the more...well...for most of the population. They officially labelled his class as advanced as of this morning.” So he hadn't needed to go. If only he got that information earlier.

“Who's teaching the remedial class?” Bones gave him a look at that as he washed his hands. “It's not remedial.” Bones replied. Jim rolled his eyes but soon stopped and his stomach dropped with Bones' answer, “Well, Jim, do you really want to give up Spock's lesson that clearly, nose bleed aside, you enjoyed? Or would you like to trade hard-ass for douche?"

"It's Admiral Archer's program. Apparently, his wife is expecting and he needs to spend his time not screwing up inter-galatic negotiations at the head office.”

Bones grinned as he groaned in defeat.

* * *

 

 

Archer was an ass. Everyone knew it. So when the semester was almost over, Jim being presented with his Palm Leaf of Axandar medal, for his successful treaty negotiation, he was ready to be rid of the older man who thought he was nothing but his father's name. By the time the holidays came around, Jim had made it to being treasurer on the Linguistics club and Mason had asked him to help instruct his advanced hand-to-hand combat courses on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Jim agreed, excited to have more physical outlets to his course work. But more than ever he was being commed by Jenna and Adalyn.

In both areas, they were advancing far beyond what he thought they would (without him there of course). Adalyn had now rebuilt the ancient cities of Galth and Fenak. They were just settling back into normal routine and now council demands were starting. They were starting back up the annual festivals and holidays that now all clans could participate as one. Jim was required to attend as Sorren Hart to open them in the first stages. So he planned on leaving for two weeks in April, that was the only time he could make it and not drown in work. His spring break this year was dedicated to Sana Kor and making sure Jenna didn't completely sell out to MACCO who were increasingly interested in their research. Sana Kor had also just become insanely famous for being the first ones to come out with energy systems that beat out E Lightings by milestones. Jenna (with Jim's approval) had just hired two hundred more employees, all of which were either starting out and brilliant enough to take over worlds, or leading researchers already in their fields. It made him impressed and awed at his own company.

His stress was only beginning to show once more in late February. It was Tarsus week. Last year he spent it off campus, drunk somewhere on the East Coast. Now, he couldn't leave San Francisco, but he still didn't attend any of his courses. Instead, he ended up in a board meeting across town for three days. He shut Jenna down on her more dangerous projects of which she (as he predicted) cursed at him, since he wasn't even around for most of the year, she thought she should handle more of the companies directions. They didn't have an all out fight, Jim managed to persuade her for now, but he knew one day she would fight him more. He had no idea what to do when that day came.

More increasingly, Locan was comming him as well as Hailian, both of whom had the same wariness, knowing he was in Star Fleet. They didn't like it and it worsened with every semester that past. Hailian claimed that his loyalties were going to be split and he bluntly told him, he wasn't the first to whisper about it, however reluctantly. Locan, merely, grew more upset at the knowledge that Sorren Hart didn't intend to make Reklor home. Locan believed for many years, that Jim just needed to explore a bit more, he needed to sow his oats or some bullshit like that, before coming home. And now Locan was realizing even if Jim loved Reklor and wanted to go back, he wouldn't.

“I'll be home in a month. We'll talk more then, okay?” Locan nodded and even smiled when he logged off. Jim sighed, heavily, tired and swore from sitting for so long. He only then noticed it was night out, he had been talking to the council all day. It had been nice, but now, alone, he really wanted to forget about how much people needed him, without really needing _him_.

Jim found himself two hours later, downing his seventh drink. He only let it go when beside him, appeared non other than Uhura's roommate. “Hi.” She said and Jim grinned, “Hey, I'm Jim.” “Oh, I know, my roommate told me about you. Apparently, you're a dumb man-whore who got in on nothing but his good looks.” Jim looked away and back, smiling and said, “Och. Well, at least I got my good looks, that part's true.” “Is it true you slept with Professor Hennly?” Jim almost coughed out his drink. Professor Hennly was his applied physics instructor and she was certainly good looking, they had spent many nights going over formulas and applying them to new systems. But he had never even considered it, in the past year he had only slept with three women, only one of which had been on campus. A fact no one believed.

“No, it's not true.” The Orion girl frowned and replied, “Shame, I would have respected you more if you did.” Jim laughed and said, “Can I get your name?” She smiled back and said, “I'm Gaila. Pleasure to meet you Jim Kirk.” He shook her hand and offered to buy her a drink.

* * *

 

When Jim got back he only had to endure two passerby’s talking about the Famine. Bones tried to talk to him about it but he changed the subject. He told his prof that he had relatives in the famine and with a different assignment he didn't lose any course marks. March sped by with more work than Jim had accounted for. Bones hypoed him again when he went four and a half days without sleep and five without eating. He slept the entire weekend away and had to read an entire book in one day when he woke back up.

Soon, he was telling Bones, “I have to go. I've got some shit to clear up. I'll be back in a few weeks though.” Bones was glaring at him from his desk, his arms crossed, watching Jim pack a duffel. “You know we've gone past the whole trust issues part of our relationship, right?” “Yeah.” Bones nodded and replied slowly, “You took off again last month during a really important week, again, don't think I didn't notice last year and now you're leaving for two whole weeks, to and I quote, 'got some shit to clear up' end quote?”

Jim took in a deep breath and said, “I need a break, okay. I just did three years of work in the past nineteen months and I need a little vacation, okay? I'm beat, you know I'm beat. I've got a few acquaintances that I'm going to go see and clear my head. I'll be good as new when I come back.” Bones looked doubtful but he could see that he planted a little of that doubt himself. Jim gave himself a mental high-five when his friend nodded. “Yeah, okay. But you know...I'm here whenever you want to talk or whatever.” Jim smiled and said, “I know. I love you too.”

That made Bones roll his eyes but they still hugged quickly before Jim left.

* * *

 

Reklor was home, if different. He forgot exactly how important he was to his people. There was a freaking statue of him in the centre of the capital. It unnerved him and made him embarrassed but everyone else seemed to love it, the fact that it was twenty feet tall, really made him seem very small. Everyone cheered, hollered and knelt. His family teased him constantly about his smooth baby skin and how he was weak and soft looking. Jim had to fight six generals in the newly built arena and he had three scars on his body from those fights. He had won them all fairly as well.

Locan loved having him back, the man was never more than a foot behind him at all times. He was still slightly out there, still had a wildness to him that Jim loved but there was a slightly more civilized part to him, a part that was coming to realize he could sleep soundly. It was halfway through his visit that Jim was surprised. A general, one who was strong, fast and young, had won several competitions meant to show strength, endurance and speed, came up to him privately.

Mikas was eighteen, and surprised him on several accounts. Jim also noted, just how loyal he was for being so young, though he came from Hailian's clan and therefore, had already been aligned to Adonis before Jim came along. Mikas knelled before him and said, “Morvi nuva morvi.” Jim replied in kind and smiled as Mikas stood. “My Emperor, I am honoured to have had fought under your name for the past week. I am truly awed by your skill, bravery and determination.” Jim chuckled and Mikas raised his eyes, surprised. “You falter me, brother.”

Mikas cheeks went dark and he replied, “I will follow you until death and if you would allow it, I would wish to make a formal oath to you.” Jim was surprised, formal oaths didn't die with him, Mikas would be his even after death, fight in his name. Only four had made this oath, Locan, Adalyn and his favourite advisers Morlin and Nevine. Hailian, he thought, would have had he not already made it to Adonis so long ago. For Mikas do to so, without even fighting beside him was surprising.

“You know never to take this oath lightly. You will be disowned should you ever break it.” Jim didn't hear footsteps but being on high alert and not having to hide it made him aware of the presence behind him. Mikas felt it as well and both their eyes turned to a quiet Locan in the door way. Jim didn't know how he knew, but he did, Mikas wasn't doing this entirely for him. He didn't know how he felt about that knowledge.

“Please except my blood oath to be yours until death and after.” Jim didn't move, he didn't blink, except this and show...what? If he excepted he would bind this young man to him, not knowing him, not fighting with him. He would cut his hand and offer his blood, as Mikas would him, showing that they would bleed for each other if ever there came the need. Could he do it? But Locan trusted this boy, Locan knew this boy and perhaps taught him how to fight. Mikas obviously felt something for Sorren's second in command. Maybe Mikas thought this would bring them two together. He wished he could turn around and ask Locan what he thought.

But Kings, Emperors don't look for instruction.

Jim clenched his jaw and made a decision.

* * *

 

 

Jim sat in communications class waiting for Gaila to join him. She did appear but it was with Uhura on her heels. Uhura ignored him, sitting on Gaila's other side. “So, I figured we could go out tonight and see if we could find that Turkish place again.” Jim snorted and replied, “We were off our asses drunk that night and it was...what...two months ago?” Gaila shrugged and said, “Worth a try.” Jim nodded and moved forward to see Uhura and said, “Are you going to be joining us this evening, or are you studying again, Miss...” He waited for someone, anyone to say her name and Gaila grinned at him, sworn to secrecy. He hated women.

“I have a date actually.” Jim brows went up and he grinned, replying, “Guy or girl? Alien? Hot date or more of a first date, kinda awkward?” Uhura gave him a look and he nodded as Gaila tried not to laugh. “Right, you would not do awkward. I hope you have an exceptionally nice night.”

Gaila and him didn't go out that night, instead they slept together. Jim was really liking Gaila, she didn't expect more from him, hell, she didn't even want to date him. They were friends and they had sex sometimes, sometimes they just talked. Mostly, they really did study. Gaila found him fascinating in the fact that his Lannect's syndrome left him almost completely immune to her hormones. He did get a euphoria feeling that was more of a high than arousing and she quickly applied more coverage when he got too loopy. He found her equally fascinating, he learned a lot more about Zaser's heritage and asked her all kinds of cultural questions. She was cute, funny and actually sensitive, the guys around campus tended to treat her as a sex toy instead of a person, so she liked hanging out with him because, while he was labelled a sex toy himself, he didn't.

“You haven't had sex much have you?” She asked one night at the end of the year. Jim looked at her and frowned, “Excuse me? I didn't hear any complaints the past seven times.” He finally found out how that Caitain girl had felt, _wow_. Gaila laughed and said, “Oh, no, you're really good. Naturally so. It's just, you're really gentle and I can see you thinking sometimes. It's cute, I just tend to see it more on guys that haven't experimented so much.” Jim frowned, “How many-” He stopped as the sandpaper feeling came back in his mind. He clenched his jaw and she frowned at him. One thing he loved about her is that she didn't ask any questions, “I'll see you around.”

He nodded, already up and getting dressed. Jim opened the door just in time to see Spock's fist ready to knock. Jim froze in the middle of putting on his shirt. “Uh...hi.” Jim wanted to smack himself hard. Spock quickly lowered his hand and raised a brow, Jim lowered his shirt. “I believe this is Miss Uhura's and Miss X'ith's residence?” Jim felt his cheeks heat up and he looked back in the room, Gaila's eyes were wide recognizing her professor's voice. Jim nodded. “I am looking for Miss Uhura, is she-” From around the corner came a rushing Uhura, who looked fantastic in a white dress and black heels.

Damn.

She stopped when she saw them. She glared at him and looked into the room, saying, “Really Gaila, we need to talk about roommate rules again.” Jim looked between the two of them and then Uhura said, “Are you staying, or going?” Jim put his hands up and said, “Totally, completely leaving.” From behind him, he heard Spock ask, “Are you ready, or do you require a few moments?”

Jim took the stairs instead of the lift and made it outside before his head hurt with enough force to make him crumble onto the ground.

* * *

 

When Jim woke up a few days later, it wasn't Bones he saw, but Amanda. “You're awake.”

“Ugg, I feel like shit.”

Amanda frowned and said, “Your friend found you outside on Campus. I believe you gave him quite a fright, especially since they couldn't find anything wrong with you, physically.” Jim groaned again and tried to concentrate. “What are you doing here?” “You're lucky, I came to see Spock and heard about you. I thought I'd check in.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed. “So, does anyone know what happened to me?” “That you fell unconscious? Yes, the entire town knows that. I believe there's a bet on if you were drunk Andorian Ale or high on Orion hormones. The Doctor McCoy thinks it's something to do with your syndrome and he's keeping it quiet, though it won't exclude you from Captaincy, it could hurt you slightly. Only you and I know the truth of course.”

Amanda gave him a serious expression and he replied just as calmly, just as serious, “There's nothing I can do about it, you know that.” “You could take some care and stop hurting yourself.” “What? Stop having sex again. I happen to enjoy parts of it now. It's nice. And besides, I could be dead again in a couple of years.” Amanda squeezed his hand again and said, “Oh, Jim. You need to take it easy on yourself. You need some healing treatments. How many times do I have to tell you that? Don't think I haven't seen your mistrust, paranoia, your intense emotions coming out whenever I so much as talk about my son or husband. You need someone to help you.”

“You help me.”

Amanda sighed, looking sad and worried, she said, “Not the way you need.”

Bones wouldn't let him out of the hospital for two more days. He was lucky the semester was almost over. Amanda and him spoke for days, he even stayed at his newly purchased apartment so that he could invite her over to stay for a night. When he was finally deemed fit and they had caught up as best they could, Amanda let him go and she went home with her husband. Jim returned to the dorm smiling and encountering a brooding Bones (who was still upset he hadn't found out what was wrong with Jim) Jim announced, “We're going on a holiday. My treat. Three weeks, where do you want to go?” Bones looked up, shook his head and offhandedly said, “I need a drink.”

Jim grinned and replied, cheerfully, “The Caribbean it is! Let's go have some rum!”


	4. Last Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've decided to add a bit on the movies in this story. Mostly it's his thought process throughout it. I hope you guys like it.

Contrary to popular belief, it was Gaila who came up with the idea to sabotage the test. Sure, Jim thought of it, but he hadn't really planned on doing anything. He really believed he could beat the damned thing fairly. But when Gaila offhandedly suggested rigging it, it triggered Jim's old instincts that hadn't quite died yet. He talked it over with her late into the night, a bottle of Orion brandy between them. He kissed her goodnight and both of them were grinning when he left.

For the past year, he had worked his ass off. He completed all of his classes, for the past three years near the top (if not at the top) of every class. He was given an award for it as well, he was known as a fair instructor in his combat course. He rocked his piloting courses to the extreme that everyone knew he would one day command. It wasn't _if_ Jim kirk made it, it was _when_.

He spent the year avoiding Spock, teasing Uhura and trying and failing to get her goddamned name. Like previous years he celebrated Bones' birthday dramatically that by their final year, the entire campus knew when Bones was born. He hated it but Jim, who never really got to celebrate his until Amanda, thought it was important to do so.

That year, he also celebrated Gaila's birthday, who was becoming his good friend. They went to a poetry reading and played golf on top of the Admiral's building, which ended by accidentally smashing a window in the lab section and making a run for it.

Sometime in the beginning of the year, someone finally got revenge on Admiral Archer. His prized beagle that always accompanied him to class disappeared somehow and while Jim felt bad about the dog in question, he and Bones still had a celebratory drink on the matter. That dog always growled at him, and once tried to bite his leg, Jim was not apologizing.

He finally got the council under control during Christmas break, Adalyn felt assured she could always contact him and Locan seemed happier than before. He had Mikas to thank for that, Jim had no doubt those two now were together. After all, before Jim left Locan had asked him if it would be appropriate. To the people of Reklor, Locan was his concubine, for lack of better wording. It hadn't surprised him, not really, but Jim still felt slightly jealous when he gave his permission for the relationship. He had a light scar on his hand to prove his respect for his most prized general.

For some reason, that last year past the fastest. Jim was now okay in his workload, he wasn't too overwhelmed, he didn't pour over books in the library to help him understand the wording, the regulations, the formulas. It seemed that after two years of hard work, the third year he found his footing. That was until, the last term. He heard about it all year, all the years he attend really. The Korbayashi Maru. It was a slang term now, made popular by the absolute statistics that no one, no one, ever won. It was a no-win scenario and Jim went into that test knowing it.

But that first fail, when he witnessed the screen go black and the alarms going off, all he saw was a Vulcan ship exploding, he heard the screams of burning children, smelt burning flesh. When he got his ship, it would be his responsibility, and he'd be damned if he had to set himself up for failure. He didn't understand the test, why teach Captains that they had to fail? Why teach them to question their instincts right before going into battle? And why the fuck would anyone learn a no-win scenario? Most of these cadets didn't even try this test anymore, they didn't try to save that ship because it was going to be a failure.

Jim ended up at the campus bar. Bones was working on his medical exam, so when someone sat beside him, he was surprised to see both Pike and Moore. He turned his head, surrounded by the captains and said, “I didn't do anything wrong.” Moore snorted and Pike sighed. “Don't worry, we're not here to harass you. I want to know how you're doing?” Jim lifted a brow and said, “Fine.” Moore shook his head and said, “Kid. Out with it. You sat in that chair for three hours before you moved. I thought I'd have to comm an ambulance.”

Jim took a deep breath and said, “I don't like no-win scenarios. It's beatable. In real life, sure the success rate would be slim, I'll give everyone that, but it's doable. To teach cadets that they have to proceed with caution, that's one thing, to teach them not to even bother trying to save a ship, that's bullshit. It's bullshit.” Pike and Moore looked at each other and then back to him. “I believe in you, Jim.” Jim looked up at Pike and he continued, “I do. The fact that you didn't give up, that you took this personally, it's means you care. It shows good character on your part. I have faith you'll make a damn good captain one day.”

Moore nodded and said, “I'd hate to see that day, but I agree with Pike. Hell, if I was a cadet, I'd hate to serve under the other options. Weak, babies. You, I'd make an exception and I think serving under your leadership would be alright.” Jim chuckled but then it really sunk in what they were telling him. He could see it, maybe for the first time, how much these two invested in him.

Jim had spent evenings at Pike's house, going over papers and Pike chasing him down just to explain the problem they had argued over nights previously. And Moore, even though he was an ass, he spent his weekends meeting him in pubs and cafe's, they studied together, debated and Moore even got him into the overly-full, Advanced Tactical Analysis course. He had failed his first test, but sitting there talking to the two people who drove him harder than any other people in his life, he felt comforted, he felt relieved. And he knew he'd challenge it a second time. He knew, too, if he failed again, these two people would be sitting beside him, drinking a toast with him.

* * *

 

He did it just before dawn. It was good to know, he was still just as good at breaking and entering as he was at hacking. The circuits, he had to admit, were amazing. Whoever designed the program was an absolute genius, because it took him a half hour to even see where he needed to place the sub-route and then another forty-five minutes to install it. This person was brilliant and if Jim had been another person, he would have felt guilty for wreaking such beautiful work. He wasn't though and instead, he practically skipped over to Gaila's.

* * *

 

Jim was nervous when they called in a session. It didn't happen often, in fact in the past three years, it happened twice. So when they called his name, his stomach dropped, he glanced at Bones who gave him an encouraging, confused look and a nod. The man tried to hide his own worry, unsuccessfully.

Cheating.

They were accusing him of cheating.

Jim faced Spock, Amanda's Spock and finally, finally they were made to face one another. Jim's only thought in that moment was; 'he's so fucking Vulcan' and he did his best to control his fear. The argument did nothing but aggravate him and his bond twitched in pain. When Spock took the low blow of calling out his dad, that made Jim freeze. Then Spock told him to accept the fear of knowing he was going to die. Jim had been there and back, and right then he just wanted to hit the damned Vulcan. But a small voice, he couldn't ignore, did agree with him, he knew what Spock had intended, what the test was about, he knew it better than most. He just didn't want to face it. He couldn't.

And then Vulcan's distress signal came in and both of them froze, Jim could practically hear Spock's utter shock and worry. The class was dismissed and Jim was too worried about Amanda to worry about the trial. “What do you think?” He asked Bones. “He's definitely a bastard. But I like him.”

Jim gave him a dirty look as they headed out.

* * *

 

The world went to shit after that.

His allergies kick in to start with, which he knew was a bad start. Then it clicked, the transmission and the storm, Jim knew exactly what was happening. Pike left, another bad move and it spiked Jim's worry even more. After that he was diving through space, watching as his creation, his own drill he designed when he was fifteen come back out of his dreams to haunt him. He swore that he'd call Jenna and destroy the project after what was happening. Losing Olsen really got it slammed into his mind, how dangerous this all was.

When Spock told him he was beaming down, Jim couldn't comprehend it. Vulcan. Vulcan was being destroyed, crumbling away into nothing. Amanda was down there, Sarek, Tevik and T'Pau, T'Rin, Balev and T'Pala. All those Vulcans he had wished to die, were going to die. All those Vulcans he had been so frightened, so terrified.

Gone.

Disappearing into nothing.

When they beamed back up, Jim had a moment of honest-to-god relief, only then he saw the closed, stoic expression on Spock's face, his eyes showed how lost he really looked. Without needing it be be said, he knew they just lost Amanda. Jim looked away, utter silence their companion, his bond was still pulsing, harsh and burning, Tevik was closer to his mind in four years. It hurt but Jim knew Tevik was still alive. He felt oddly relieved, and mostly numb.

Vulcan, the planet that was, was gone within a moment.

His house only a half hour away from Shikahr. All of his plants that he had his caretaker T'Ka look after. His pet Tes'kar Henry was gone as well, the Vulcan bird, he knew existed in a couple sanctuaries on Earth in Africa, but it was officially endangered now.T'Ka herself was probably dead, that nice lady who always kept her distance and looked at him with composed compassion. Raal, Tevik's home in T'Paal. That house he had seen through their bond, calm and soothing and Tevik's sanctuary. Gol, the Fire Plains and all those beautiful volcanoes. The Le-Matya's were officially extinct, so was T'ethna herbs that would only grow in the Forge. Jim had hated that planet for years, but he had loved it just as much. He had found Amanda there, had celebrated his eighteenth birthday on those sands. He would never get sunburned there again, he would never hike up Mount Seleya, never use his vacations with Amanda by exploring the depths of the sacred temples, only visited by insiders.

Amanda was gone. Jim would never get to say thank you for everything she had done for him.

He argued with Spock. His mind was killing him, Tevik's lost bonds were echoing through his mind and he was already jumpy. He yelled at Spock, he was making the wrong move, Jim knew, knew it with everything in him and he was not going to stand there and let it happen. He fought, and tried to grab Lieutenant Morgan's phaser, he'd stun Spock if he had to, he'd be the bad guy again, but he would not let Pike die. Moore had just perished with the Fleet, so did Gaila, he would not lose Pike as well. He fought, against two security guards and his own mind, until Spock nerve pinched him.

* * *

 

 

Fucking marooned. In that moment, sitting in the shuttle, he really thought Amanda had been insane in thinking they would get along.

Meeting Spock, the other Spock was mind-blowing. He really did not need this right then. And when Spock reached for his meld points, Jim backed up. “What are you doing?” “My mind to your mind, one and together.” Jim wanted to move but something about the way he spoke or maybe it was Tevik's bond calling him, made him stay. It made him wary but desperate as well.

They broke apart and Jim's emotions flooded to the surface. He couldn't stop his eyes from watering, or look back at Spock. He couldn't believe how deeply Spock's emotions went, and he said, “So you do feel.” Somehow, he pictured Spock being Kolinahr Vulcan. He was too calm, too expressionless in the face of losing Amanda and his entire home. He was being too Vulcan for Jim to like him, even now.

* * *

 

 

Meeting the man who made Archer's beagle disappear made Jim's day. Montgomery Scott was a good sort, Jim knew that off the start. He was brilliant and Jim loved how he talked about engineering. He blamed Bones influence, because he liked the guy right away. When Spock spoke, for some reason, Jim felt connected, he concentrated intensely, despite the raging stinging pain in his head. “I have to emotionally comprises you...guys?” It felt like going against Amanda for some reason. It felt wrong, but he nodded. He couldn't help staring at the Vulcan as he got ready to beam onto the Enterprise.

This man, who felt so connected to him, who had just lost his planet and held the guilt of the world, he looked as if saying goodbye to him was painful. That seeing him was painful. Jim couldn't help but stare, he couldn't imagine a world where he felt that connection to a Vulcan again. But for some strange reason, perhaps the intensity of his eyes, or the meld they had just experienced, Jim trusted his word. Jim trusted him.

* * *

 

He knew how to anger people. He knew instinctively how to get under their skins. It was what made him good at charming people, he knew what they wanted to hear and of course what they didn't. He knew what to use with Spock. And he let his own anger, his own his grief make it worse.

“What is it like not to feel anger or heartbreak and the need to stop at nothing to revenge the woman who gave birth to you?” Jim let out all of his grief, Amanda had died and he at least wanted to see Nero bloody, beaten and dead. He was letting his emotions out from Tevik, from twelve years of being tied to this race who did everything they could to push down emotions, who could watch their own planet burn and not even weep. Jim understood it, he did, and that's why he hated it so much.

“You feel nothing! It must not even compute for you. You never loved her!” It was all he needed. Spock launched himself at Jim in a rage. Jim put up a good fight, but a Vulcan, not holding back could do a lot of damage. Jim winced from his mind at just the wrong moment and Spock swung at his throat. Falling back, his throat was grabbed and Spock was intent on chocking him.

“Spock.”

Jim didn't know whether it was really Sarek who calmed Spock. It could have been that Spock's telepathic touch picked up Jim's fear, his pain not only from Spock's blows but from the ringing in his ears, in the echoing of the dead. Either way, Spock got control over himself and finally Jim heard it in his voice.

Grief, utter loss.

When Jim sat in the Captain's chair, he really hoped the other version of Spock was right. And he hoped without knowing exactly why, or even thinking about it, he hoped their own Spock would forgive him one day.

When Spock said that he was going alone onto Nero's ship, Jim couldn't let him do it, he wouldn't lose Amanda's only son as well today. After telling him that Jim was joining, Spock said, “I would state regulation, but I know you would simply ignore it.” Trusting Spock, even a little, was not simple, or easy. It was for himself, for the other Spock and for her. Jim smiled and said, “See, we are getting to know one another,” before he quickly reached out and slapped Spock's shoulder.

Captain of No Bias.

He was fucking kissing her. Jim tried not to look but he couldn't help it. Spock and Uhura? In a way, it made sense then, all those times he'd seen them together on campus. But still, they had an instructor-student relationship, sure Uhura probably hadn't been in his class when they got romantic, Jim still thought it was ballsy, for both of them. When Uhura looked at him, he could see all of her worry and he knew what she was telling him. Bring Spock back alive. He was going to do his damn best at not letting her down. He turned to Spock, a little awkwardly and finally after three years of frustration, got to ask, "So her name's Nyota?" 

The fight that ensued was exactly what he needed. He needed to let it all out, he felt no guilt, only hate and Tevik's overwhelming shock. When he heard the announcement that Spock had stopped the drill he felt a moment of relief. Earth, at least, was safe for now. He found Pike alive, weak and tortured but alive and he hurried to get him out. Flashbacks of Tarsus came back, of the feeling of his wrist and ankle burning. Pushing it all down, he called for the Enterprise quickly. His heart was racing, he didn't know where or how far Spock had gotten. He just needed to get back to the ship. Fear coursed through him, panic, and he beamed out with Pike in his arms.

Spock was there and Scotty was an absolute genius. He was calm, he was Kolinahr, he pushed down his fury, his smug victory and the fact that he wanted to see them all burn. Jim Kirk wasn't Norep, he wasn't the bad guy, Jim Kirk was Amanda's friend. So he did what he thought a logical being would do. He did what an Emperor so rarely does. He offered mercy. He wasn't at all affected when he got a fuck you instead.

When they couldn't move however, he grew nervous once again. His mind flared up, offering all the ways his crew were going to die. The shield cracked and he wondered how Adalyn would take the news, if she would hate his human decisions and Star Fleet as well. He thought oddly enough of Tevik, whose whole clan was gone, all except two cousins and his own father. Would it be better, he wondered, or would it hurt so much more? When they were free, Jim felt an adrenaline rush that beat all others, quite a feat after the life he lived. And he couldn't help but look over at Spock, when he nodded in return, Jim felt his heart leap. This, he knew, was the first step to becoming who he wanted to be.

He grinned, and Sulu chuckled with him, feeling the same surprise, the same sense of utter joy on the darkest day.

* * *

 

They separated when they landed. Everyone was quiet, the Vulcans were headed to their embassy's and Jim separated from Bones, giving him a hug. He went to his apartment, sat down, and after curling up, his head pounding, he hypoed himself and slept.

It was three days later when he was buzzed. He hadn't gone out, classes were cancelled and it was graduation in a week anyway. He hadn't showered and he was only in his boxers, he hadn't bothered to eat more than a bite or two of a bread roll and he had thrown that up. So he grumbled and let the buzzing pass. It was a few hours later when he finally went to the door. This time it was his doorman from downstairs.

Dimitri called, “Sir, there's a package for you.” His head was too fuzzy to make any clear thought, so he merely opened the door and stared at the older man. He didn't notice the sad look he got, only took the white box and shuffled back to the couch. Jim didn't notice the time, he didn't notice his hunger pains, or the fact that his leg was starting to cramp. He only felt Tevik, the pulsing, stinging, agony that centred in the back of his mind. It once more controlled him and he thought for the first time he might need help.

It was dark out, his lights came on automatically set on a dim setting. His eyes, focused for once in days, settled on the box. Frowning, he knew Bones didn't send it, he saw a card ontop and frowned even more. Was Dimitri sure this was for him? It was very old fashioned. He plucked the card out and sat up slowly. He froze when he opened it. He knew those swirls, he knew the loops and sharp crosses.

Vulcan.

And he knew exactly who penned it.

_I've tried contacting you but you've been busy lately. I just wanted to let you know Sarek and I will be arriving just after your graduation, if you're free we should get together for lunch. Soon, you'll be off to the stars and I'll never see you much then. I hope you're doing well and you can thank me when you see me next. I know you said I didn't need to get you anything on your last birthday but this is a special occasion and you should always celebrate those, you never know how many you're going to get. I miss you and hope to see you soon. A._

Jim felt a lump rise up in his throat and his eyes started burning. He was wrapped up in her fluffy throw she had given him on his twenty-third birthday. He looked at the box and with shaky hands untied it. Inside was something soft and silky, it was black with gold embellished on the panel. The gold formed beautiful ancient words; letting go is not weakness, it is the strength to forgive that shows greatness.

Jim rubbed the spirals and then noticed the S'chn T'gai clan symbol, small, ontop of his collar. Amanda had adopted him into her clan, thought of him perhaps as a son. She worried about him, he commed her when he needed to relax. When he needed to not think about the biggest exams he'd be put through. She had sent him Vulcan tea and soaps, rarities now. He really had considered her, his mother, or at least a type of mother, someone he could turn to when he needed help or when he needed someone to encourage him or listen without judgement. She had been that for him and he thought of Spock who was her real son, who had years with her and his heart broke for him as well. He picked up the silky robe and clutched it to him.

Finally, finally, he let himself weep for all that he lost, all of his worst dreams that had come true, come to light with the whole galaxy watching, and all that Vulcans had lost.

He was still scared of them, still fighting Tevik in his mind, but he knew now he would always be connected to them.


	5. The Year Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for the long wait. Life happened and I got sick. So here's an extra long chapter. I feel like this year is super important as it's everything between the two movies. And Jim's relationship with his crew went from stranger to good friend. If not yet great friend. I hope you like it and please leave me a comment, I do love reading them!

Jim couldn't look away. It was his worst fantasy come to life. All those times he wished the destruction of the species, every time he wished Tevik dead. He had left Reklor for the idea of crushing planets had been too tempting and now he was witnessing his dreams come to life. It took mere moments but it felt like eternity. He watched as the planet that inhabited over six billion Vulcans crumbled in on itself. Spectacularly transfixing, horrible, terrifying, agonizing and utterly finale. Gone. It was all gone. Jim felt those far off bonds. His emotions were immediately connected to Tevik's, Tevik who wasn't in control of those deep emotions. Tevik, who was still alive. Dear god, how could this happen? How could he have let it happen? He hadn't fought hard enough, fast enough. He had let this happen. He was lost, broken, his mind flaring up in utter rejection that anything of this happened. Tevik screamed.

Jim bolted up, and breathing deeply, tried to control his tears. The image of Vulcan's death made him start to tremble again. It had only been two weeks. Two weeks since he and Spock had fought together, since he trusted a Vulcan at his back, all the while trying to concentrate Tevik's rage into something productive. He had stopped Nero, they had stopped him. And Jim was left with the burning, the scorching of his bond. He wasn't Vulcan, but he was affected by his bondmate's mind and all those he lost, so did Jim.

Jim got up, knowing he wouldn't sleep that night. He made himself a good cup of tea and sat in the living room. He wondered if today he would visit the Vulcan Embassy in the city. Tevik was there as well as a thousand others. They were spread throughout Terra, all in different embassy’s, keeping close to themselves. Jim couldn't picture it, couldn't picture losing Earth, a planet he wasn't even that close to. He sat, for several hours, his tea going cold, as he delved deeper into his twisted bond. It consumed him, the pain, the anger, the utter loss. He cried without knowing he was crying, he laid down, curling into himself, waiting for his shaking to stop.

Jim only snapped out of it when there was a sharp knock on his door. He got up, sluggish and slow, only then realizing the sun had risen and it was mid-morning. “Hello, Jim.” Jim stood frozen, seeing the other version of Spock outside his door. The older man looked solemn and serious, but his eyes were warm and they softened taking in his appearance. “You do not look like you are ready for the ceremony.”

“I don't think I'm going to go.” Spock raised a brow and replied, “As the Admiralty plan on making you a Captain of Star Fleet, I do believe it would be in your best interest to attend.” Jim leaned against his door and sighed. Without another word, Spock stepped forward and Jim tensed as the Vulcan hugged him. “Hush now Jim, I will not hurt you.” Jim didn't know what to believe. Spock had melded with him, and while it had hurt, Jim had felt that longing underneath, Spock had been shocked and glad to see him. Jim had been reminded of what he could have had, and didn't, for that meld had been a wave of emotion. There was also the simple fact that his body slumped into the older man's embrace. He was simply tired of always being on guard. Even though the Vulcan had melded with him without his consent, he didn't feel angry or invaded. Jim trusted Spock, this version at least, he trusted a Vulcan, a half-Vulcan and loved the calm he gave him. It was strange and disorienting but Jim was grateful even if it would be only fleeting before his mind flared back up. “It was not your fault, Jim.” Jim hugged the older man back and said, “It wasn't yours either.” Spock didn't answer and Jim knew the older man would latch on to that guilt and not let go. They both would. “Do you ant some tea?” Without letting him go, Spock smiled into his neck and said, “That would be pleasant.”

They had a light breakfast together and once more Jim was surprised at how easily they fit together. He wondered again, if he'd see Tevik today. Did he want to see him, would they be better off melding and making all this pain less severe? “Your mate should meld with you.” Jim looked up from his yogurt and frowned, he replied, “I don't think that would be a great idea.” “It would be an excellent idea, you are human and not prepared for the backlash of losing so many bonds. You need to calm your mind and your mate, being foremost intimate with thus mind, should know how to do so. Also, it would help him recover more quickly as well.” Jim shook his head, saying doubtfully, “I don't think it would work that way. We don't exactly have that kind of bond.” Spock frowned and leaned back into the chair, he took a sip of his tea and replied quietly, “No, I suppose you do not.” Spock would know, he felt their broken bond when he melded with him.

Jim put down his empty bowl and said, “I grieve with thee, Spock.” Spock looked up and gave him a tiny smile and replied quietly, “As I with you, Jim.” Spock got him dressed but after that Jim once again experienced an out of body moment. He sat on the bed, not aware of anything until his bond smoothed over. It was rough, pounding and raw and slowly he felt as if someone was putting a nice coating of balm on it. Tevik's emotions flared up but Jim couldn't recognize them. He was instead leaning in towards the gentle presence but couldn't reach it, couldn't touch it. Jim blinked and saw Spock in front of him, frowning. “Your mind is straining. It should be less painful for now. I apologize once more for melding with you without your permission. A force of habit I assure you.” Jim didn't say anything, for once he wasn't angry or even frightened, he was just numb.

Jim spent the drive to Star Fleet headquarters thinking if he should ask Spock a rather intimate question. Finally, Jim couldn't help it, he asked, “Would you be able to meld with me again? It...It helps. I've never experienced a meld that didn't hurt before.” Spock parked the car before he spoke, it took a few moments for him to do so. “Those that melded with you before did not have proper training in mind-melds. When I was a boy, I was given more classes than any of my peers, it was thought that as a part human I would need extra controls. I was born a very powerful telepath and with that training, I became rather good at delving into minds. It does not hurt, firstly because I know how to follow along human pathways. Vulcan minds are different from your own in many ways, but most mistakes come from Vulcans being too forceful and broad. One needs to lightly tread with concentration, none of your previous experiences did this. Secondly, it did not hurt because I simply know your mind. You are not my Jim, I have merely to look at you to see that, but your minds are incredibly alike and therefore gives me more experience to meld with you properly.”

“You two were bonded.” Spock looked at him sharply but slowly he nodded. “For many years.” The simply statement, layered with emotion made Jim sigh and look out the car window. People were all gathering into the main hall. “I'll always have a broken mind, won't I?” Jim looked back just in time to see Spock's eyes drop and Jim's heart went with it. “Even if your mate were to perish, you would need many healing treatments, yes, I believe that with these you would be able to function quite well. However, side effects would, with statistic probability, appear and I would have to conclude that you would not do well without a bond now. Your mind has grown and adapted being bonded for such a long period as well as developing with it. Your brain was still growing, and-”

“Yeah, I was still a kid, I get it.”

Jim didn't know what he'd feel after asking such a question, but he was moody and upset again. “Come. We need to go now.” Spock said after a few more moments in silence. On the way to the Hall, Spock informed him that he had found a suitable planet for a colony to be set up. In total, they had counted one hundred and fifteen thousand seven hundred and fifty-nine Vulcans, only ten thousand roughly had escaped from the planet itself. They would be leaving within the next day. Jim stood as he watched Admiral Barnett give his speech and Jim once more felt that lightness come over him. He managed a glance to the audience but didn't see him. He did see Bones, Nyota and Sulu all sitting together. Chekov was there, so was Sara from his tactical class, Scotty was in another row next to Nathan and Cupcake Hendorff who served on security on the Enterprise. All of these people were looking at him, probably thinking this was bogus, a promotion way too soon for anyone to get control of a Star Ship. But Jim saw all those faces, four hundred and seventy-two of them and he swore he wouldn't let them down again. He knew the basic's of being a captain. It wouldn't take him long to learn the rest, and he knew, if he got the same crew as last time, he'd be in good shape. They worked well under a real, unimaginable crisis, he was already going through their portfolio’s and they were at the top of their fields.

Jim wanted Sulu as his pilot, Chevok as his navigator, Scotty for sure on his ship anywhere he could get him. But mostly, Jim searched for the one face that wasn't there. Commander Spock, who whispers told, was still in the embassy, leaving for the new colony shortly. Jim stood in front of Admiral Christopher Pike, one of the few Captain's left of Star Fleet. The man had pushed him farther than anyone else, had told him to do better and not stand in his family's shadow any longer. Jim could see the depth of emotion in those eyes, loss, friends gone, familiarity gone, the world tilted just slightly around them. But Jim could also see just how happy Chris was, how proud and Jim stood up straighter under that gaze.

“I relieve you, Sir.”

“I am relieved.”

Jim couldn't help but smile a bit, proud that he lived up to someone's expectations for once. “Thank you Sir.” He said, really meaning it. “Congratulations Captain, your father would be proud.” Shaking his hand, standing in front of a crowd of leaders, inventors, students who graduated and would be changing the world around them, Jim didn't know what his father would feel looking down on him. His mother wasn't here, instead, she was at London headquarters for an assignment, he wasn't affect by either by missing. He knew he wouldn't try to out-win any more matches. He knew his place with Sam, he knew his place with his mother, but the only thing he had in common with them was his last name. Standing there, Jim knew his time to prove himself had come, he was officially alone. And this time, it was a damned good thing.

Everyone cheered and Jim grinned, knowing he was going into this for Moore, and Gaila and Amanda, all those they had all lost together. He looked up, and his smiled widened further. At least one version of Spock had come to see this.

Spock nodded at him and Jim grinned fully.

* * *

 

The next two months were full of activity, the Enterprise was under construction as well as a whole new batch of ships. Cadets everywhere were being recruited and since Spock was with his people on the newly named New Vulcan, it was Jim who became a semi-poster-boy. The organization of a new colony also proved unending and exhausting. Jim signed Sana Kor to helping the rebuilding, Sana Kor not only donated hard credits to the new High council, held intact by the few elders Spock had manged to save but also gave no less than one hundred and twenty-five ships, large enough to hold the entire population, tools in helping their building go by faster, and access to all of their botany greenhouses to Vulcan plants and hybrids which with Jim's project and a Vulcan love-hate relationship, proved extensive.

Jim contacted the council after nine weeks and spoke to T'pau. “As we are only in the building phase, we will have to concentrate our entirety on the most important work first.” Jim nodded, he knew that his project would be pushed aside, even with all the success they were seeing in the past couple of months. “I was wondering how long it would take for the buildings to be completed. I am aware that you need at least two temples and a market place, at least twenty...” Jim stopped and seeing the stoic expression on T'Pau's face, he took in a deep breath and ran his hand over his face. “Shit, sorry. I didn't mean for that to come out like that. It's not my project I'm worried about, it's....” Jim stopped before he could dig himself any further down.

“I am not offended by your question, James. I am curious as to why you have not come to New Vulcan yourself.” Jim startled and froze, he tried to speak but didn't know how to form an answer. “As you are an insider, you are part of this race and this planet. Surely, you are curious as to the planet's specifications?” Yeah, Jim was curious. Spock, the older Spock, had known about that planet and had known it well enough to consider it suitable within a week. It was uninhabited by any races other than unique desert animals, too hot for most, hence the reason why no human colony had gone there yet. Neighbouring the old Vulcan system it wasn't too far off the original planet. But the difference in gravity, atmosphere, the land itself would all play a factor.

“I heard that there are creatures like the Le-Matya's there.” T'Pau's eyebrow went up in surprise at his information.Spock (elder) and him had commed several times the last couple of weeks. “Yes, they are smaller and yet have thicker skins. It appears they are vegetarians, yet the females will attack if approached too quickly.” Jim smiled, he could see all those Vulcans losing themselves to their grief to their experiments. What, where, who, when, how many....

Jim chuckled at the image of all those new experiments they were undergoing. Finally, he took in a deep breath and said, “I am aware I am considered one of you through my bond. I want to let you know that I am available to help. If you need anything done on earth and no ambassador is here, or if you need anything shuttled to and from, I am offering my services to the council until I am assigned to my ship.” T'Pau's head rose and Jim might have imagined the glimpse of respect in those stoic eyes. “You have come a long way, James.” Jim nodded but didn't reply.

T'Pau continued, “I do hope we meet again.” Again, he nodded and ended the comm with his hand in the ta'al for the first time since he was thirteen.

* * *

 

Jim had just logged out of his PADD when he saw Uhura come into the coffee shop. She promptly sat in front of him, looking prepared for battle. Dressed in black, with her hair down, Jim blinked and sat back in his chair. When she spoke, she managed to stun him. “I wanted to say I'm sorry.”

“What?”

She sighed and said, “I'm sorry. For the past year especially, I've seen how hard you work but your attitude always made me believe the worst in you. You irritate me in the way you make everything look easy. Whenever we had classes together, you just flew by, you understood without having to lose your mind. You're the only human student in eighty years to graduate on three years. I've done five, if you include my time on the USS Fredricks.” Jim frowned staying silent, remembering the now non-existent ship.

Finally he said, “I did get a lot of it, because I was forced to learn it when I was fifteen or so. Long story. But the rest, Pike and Moore sat down with me and I chased down Archer for two months. Believe me, you do not want to have a study chat with that guy ever, and not every day. I slept for three hours night, not really a big deal but other nights I went without sleep until Bones had to hypo me. I...I have issues, so I don't let people see how hard it is. But it was.” Uhura nodded and she turned to the waitress who just arrived and said, “Green tea please.”

Apparently, she was staying.

“You're very stubborn and you were ready to risk all our lives going after Nero.” Jim nodded and said, “I'd do it all over again too. I'd kill every one of us if it meant saving the five billion people we have living here.” Jim looked around the cafe, people were talking about Star Fleet, about New Vulcan and how they had to set up everything. Others were just talking about their favourite shows and work. Jim smiled. Normal people, truly fascinated him.

“I didn't know you were capable of hard crisis decision making.” Jim sharply turned to her and smiled. “No?” She shook her head being honest and reached out to take her tea from the waitress who handed it to her. “I really didn't. I've read up on you, you know. Your record shows you that you were born in 2233, went to Riverside Elementary, got into juvie for crashing your step-father's car after burning down a barn and stealing, all by the age of eleven. After that you graduated University when you were twenty after two years of studying. There's nothing in between. You disappear after twelve. Nothing on any awards or scholarships, nothing on research or showing interest in your field of work.” Jim couldn't help it, he laughed. She stopped and said, “You do realize, everyone at Star Fleet started out as a kid studying to be the best just so they could get accepted. I entered the linguistic program when I was nine. Montgomery entered his school engineering program at six and later had to transfer to a different school so that he could pursue it more.”

Jim tilted his head and asked, “How do you know Scotty?” Uhura smirked and said, “Take a guess.” Jim frowned and then really frowned. “No.” He groaned and said almost humorously, “Not Gaila.” Uhura laughed and Jim couldn't help it, shaking his head he chuckled too. He sighed and said, “I miss her, you know. She was my best girl friend on campus. We could talk about anything.” She nodded and took a sip of her drink. Jim knew she was hesitating saying something. “Spit it out.” Uhura looked up and smiled and said, “She said you were sweet. That you had a big heart and that you were secretive and mysterious. She thought someone important must have hurt you.”

Jim froze at that and asked numbly, “She said that?” Uhura nodded, putting her chin in her hand, she leaned onto the table and replied quietly, “Yeah. Apparently, you can be pretty serious and you should know, she considered you one of her very few good friends.” Jim nodded. They sat together for a couple minutes in silence and then Jim turned on his PADD and said, “I am a firm believer in taking holopics for good memories, would you like to some of her? I have one that's particularly good.” Uhura brightened and appeared sad all at once but she nodded after saying, “Just as long as they're not of her naked. I saw enough of her over the years for that.” Jim chuckled and said, “Promise.” They went through her birthday photos and of them studying, Gaila acting completely hilarious when she got high on Victor Nine tobacco that was more like Terran weed on steroids.

Before Jim knew it, two hours past and neither of them had shouted, glared at or even upset the other. Uhura was kind of awesome, she was the exact type of woman he liked. Strong, passionate, brilliant and she knew how to set goals, go after them and accomplish them. “How are you doing with all of this?” He finally asked. She frowned and then got it, looking down she said, “I've commed Spock a few times. I think he's coming back to Star Fleet soon, but I know that it is good for him to be with his father too. His race. I get it.” Jim sighed and said, “I hope he comes back.” Uhura looked up at him and smiled. Jim smiled back. He thought right then, that the two of them had jumped a hurdle in their relationship. Jim hoped she knew how much he respected her and he hoped she didn't see him as she used to.

It was only as they parted that Jim knew it to be true. She turned and holding a muffin in her hand, grinned at him and said, “Jim, you can call me Nyota, you know. I know you caught it before.” Jim beamed and said, “I did. I just wanted to hear you say it.” He smiled as she threw a piece at him before walking away.

* * *

 

Jim shut off his PADD and sighed. “You should not allow Jenna to cause you so much stress.” Jim gave a mumbled response that neither could decipher. “We will be landing in eight point two hours, if you care to sleep, it would do you some good.” Jim lifted his head with some difficulty and glared at Spock. “I don't need sleep.” Spock turned back to him from looking at his PADD and said, “I will not dignify that with an answer.” Jim grinned and plopped his head back down. Maybe he needed a little sleep.

It was now the six month anniversary of the death of Vulcan. Spock had spent most of the day silent but Jim knew he was happy to be working on something. Currently, they were on their way to New Vulcan from a successful retrieval of Sana Kor's last batch of newly grown Ha'avk herbs for the colonies growing greenhouses. “Tell me again, how are you going to incorporate the k'rhth into the valley without it overgrowing the native mauslk plants?” Spock tilted his head and said, “Solok has a batch of nor'lak herbs. We have calculated that if we plant the two together, it will slow the growth of the k'rhth and therefore we will have enough time to harvest the plant before they grow too wild. Although, it will have to be watched, of course.” Jim nodded, he turned over to his back and sighed, looking over at Spock, he took a moment to reply. He had spent the last month with him.

Spock or Saros as he named himself, was different from what he knew of Commander Spock. This older version, smiled at him every now and then. He spoke with respect and warmth that he barely ever heard directed at himself. Saros seemed to genuinely want Jim's opinion, and the more time they spent together, Jim found, the less he tensed up. Of course, nothing really could make his mind stop altogether, he always had a small voice in the back of mind that thought maybe Spock was just buttering him up, getting him to trust again only to put those fingers to his temple and take everything away from him. His mind also pounded slightly when he thought of Tevik which he tended to do now and then the more he was around Vulcans in general. Jim knew he was thinking too much about it. And Spock somehow knew when he was, he would look up and those brown eyes would look...not pitying or disappointed but more...sad. As if Jim not fully trusting him was somehow pivotal, that Spock needed Jim on his side and for that not to happen somehow hurt him. Jim always found himself stopping midway through a thought and truly tried his best to push them far back in his mind.

Spock looked up from his PADD and waited. Jim smiled and then replied, “I think if you pattern the k'rhth in a large twenty foot circular pattern with mauslk between each plant, and the nor'lak surrounding both it would prove more beneficial not only to the growth but the nutrients would saturate the soil and you could also grow your Taa'vis fungi in the middle. It would stop any of the B'hahr birds from going near the plants once you introduce it to the open fields.” Spock looked impressed and said, “You know a surprising amount of botany for an engineering major.” Jim shrugged and said, “I've been working on a project with the Vulcan Science Academy for the past four years that has to do with genetic splicing of plant material. I learned a lot.” Spock looked curious but didn't ask, instead he stated kindly, “I shall give Solok your suggestions, that is, if you do not wish to tell him yourself?”

Spock raised a brow and Jim gave him a grin. “Nah Spock, I don't think I'll be headed down this time around.” Spock had been trying to get him to see New Vulcan first hand for the past two months. Each time Jim couldn't face it. He knew more than any other human about what was happening on the new colony, he knew about their safeguard precautions, how they had enough bank accounts on separate planets to not devastate their colony by merely not having credits. Though most Vulcans thought it had been less logical to devote expenses and traditional cultural artifacts to other worlds museums and galleries, now they were grateful they could reclaim the rare, precious items. Spock himself had excepted Jim's rough little statue of Rhea, an ancient goddess that held sway over death and bereavement. Spock had taken it slowly, cherishing the small Vulcan stone, even as his eyes dimmed. “Jim, one day I will have you visit my home.” Jim smiled at the certain tone and shut his eyes, saying, “I look forward to the day, but not the sunburn.”

Spock chuckled before going back to his PADD.

* * *

 

Chris was a true friend. Jim helped him to his chair and said, “You did really good. I'm glad to see some improvement from last week.” Chris, huffing and sweating, replied slightly grumpy, “I'm still not moving fast enough.” Jim rolled his eyes and said, “You just walked for two and a half hours. It's only been nine months, you're doing great for a man who was diagnosed to never walk again.” Chris smiled at him and this time spoke lightly, “Just taking some habits from someone who never knew the answer no.” “Ha, very funny. I happen to be awesome and I totally understand no. No means no.” Chris rolled his eyes this time and looked up at him as he wheeled Chris out of the gym. “Yeah right. How was your check-up on the new Enterprise?”

At that, Jim relaxed fully and said truthfully, “Amazing. She's freaking amazing. Scotty and I put in a little extras and she gleams.” Jim ignored the look that 'extras' earned him and he continued, “I'll be deploying next week. I have Scotty, as you know, ready to go. Got a hold of Lieutenant Sulu and he's rooming with Chekov so they're both signed on. In fact, I got ninety-eight percent of the staff I had when we went after Nero.”

“Only ninety-eight?” Jim shrugged as he helped Chris into the hover-car. “Well,” he said as he got in and started the car. He was driving them to Chris' and both of them were looking forward to his wife's cooking. “I hated one percent of the people. I couldn't help it. I was going over their profiles and I just thought, 'Idiot', you know?” Chris glared at him and replied, “I did hand-pick all those people, personally.”

“And you did a great job. For your ship.”

Chris shook his head, smiling and said, “You mean the ship that saved Earth and a few other planets besides?” Jim shrugged and said, “That was mostly the highly, awesomely picked ninety-eight percent. And me.” Chris laughed and said, “So what about the other one percent?” Jim took a left turn on Academy Drive and replied, “I may or may not have, with no ill-intent if something may or may not have happened, which I am not confirming-”

“Get on with it.”

“Investigated the crew's backgrounds and may have found some information that may or may not be in conflict with having a career on the best ship in the fleet. I deemed, I may have deemed, if I had ever learned of any information, that they weren't up to par.” It was silent for a few moments, as Jim drove up the driveway and parked at a large, modern house. Chris sighed and Jim frowned at the tired sound.

“You okay?” Chris chuckled and shook his head. “You really haven't learned have you?”

Jim felt instantly slapped. He sat there, silent and stunned, waiting for Chris to continue. And he did.

“Jim, I really expect great things from you. I always will. You are the most brilliant human I have ever met and I don't want to ever meet another person like you. You're intense and focused, you outshine almost all of your peers. Yet, for the past three years of the Academy, I've watched you put on some kind of show. No one in your class, unless the marks were public, which let's face it, not many professor's do that now, even knew you were top of the class. That's why everyone was so surprised at you graduating, at you even being considered for a flag ship, never mind leading one. I've seen you so tired you literally passed out on top of seven PADDs and had an imprint on your cheek for an entire day afterwards.” Jim looked away from Chris' intense expression and tried not to feel so chastised. It wasn't working.

“Jim, being a leader, it's not easy, it's not just jumping in front of your crew. I know you would protect them, I'm not questioning that. You have a very caring personality, I haven't forgotten that cafeteria fight that you claimed you were protecting your friend.” Jim was about to argue that, Lieutenant James deserved his nose being broken for trying to tell Admiral Archer that Bone's actually cheated on a test. Bones, cheating, it was laughable.

Chris cut him off when he tried to comment, and he said, “Jim, I know you can lead, but sometimes...sometimes leaders have to follow. That's where I question you.” Number One came outside to see what was taking them so long, dressed in black and her hair braided, she looked like the fierce warrior she was raised to be. Chris nodded and she smiled before going back in and giving them some privacy. “Jim,” Jim looked back at Chris and really listened to him. Chris was the one person, along with Moore, who never gave him bad advice, never thought of himself when he was talking to Jim. He didn't want to let him down, he didn't want to fail someone again.

“Jim, you need to be able to trust. Hacking into people's personal and confidential files, learning every detail about them so that they don't surprise you or make you worried, that's not the way to go. I...” This time Chris looked away and Jim sat straighter. “I know about Tarsus.” He immediately had a flashback. His mind flared up and he felt the stinging pain of hands clenched to tightly on his skin, of an insatiable hunger, the burning of an infected phaser wound. Jim, once more felt his brother's weight against his shoulder and he smelt that awful stench that still clung to him on his bad days. He felt his mind retreat for a flicker of a moment before he blinked. Jim felt like throwing up, and Chris looked back at him, Jim stayed close-mouthed.

“I was there, kid. I saw you on the sand, you were small and bloody and I thought you were dead. But you looked up at me and I saw magnificent blue eyes and I knew immediately that you were George's son. It was me who got you to the shuttle, you were so light, I thought you'd fall through the space in my arms. I know that you went through something horrible in life, and from the looks of it the past thirteen years haven't been much of a break for you, but this is a new day and next week you're going to take three hundred and twenty people into space and anything can happen. I want you to be able to trust those people, to rely on them and most of all to allow yourself to be surprised and to except that these people will not just be co-workers. They're going to be family.”

Jim swallowed, pushed into seeing the reality of the future. He wasn't sure if he could let down his guard enough for that. Jim looked at Chris and told him to truth. “I'll try. I promise, for you and myself, I'll try.” Chris nodded, staring at him for a moment before he clapped him on the shoulder, saying, “I believe you Jim. I know you can get there, c'mon, Rachel hates it when we're late for dinner and I still have to take a shower. Help me out.”

“Just as long as I don't have to help you clean yourself, I'm good.” Chris whacked him and they both chuckled.

“Little shit.”

* * *

 

Jim saw him purely by accident. He was coming out from his last meeting with Jenna when, stepping out of the building in downtown San Francisco, Jim practically ran into him before stopping himself. “Hey.” He said stupidly. Jim didn't really know how to respond or what to say. What did one say to someone who you hated kind-of and then worked with to save a planet and hadn't seen or spoken to for nine months? “Hello.”

Spock stood straight, without a hint of any emotion but he looked as if he waited for Jim to say something. So, Jim did. “You haven't responded to my message for your assignment on the Enterprise. I've seen Uhura a few times but she was unclear if you were available or willing to accept a position in Star Fleet.” Jim felt like smirking just a little bit when he glanced a slightly shocked expression under the exterior. Spock replied calmly and said, “I have been with the colony and have been helping with the construction of the healing temples. I have had little contact with anyone from Star Fleet as my schedule did not allow for any leisure time.” Jim nodded and replied just as stoically, “Of course, you had obvious priorities to attend to."

Spock raised a brow and nodded. “As for the position on the Enterprise, I am unclear whether or not I will be coming back. I apologize for any inconvenience this might give you and I do not wish you to delay in choosing a qualified second. I can give you recommendations if you-”

“Spock,” Jim cut him off with a small smile. “I know what's happened is overwhelming. It's everything. I completely understand. I know I can't be selfish and tell you to come with. But you should know that I want you there. We didn't start off well, and I do want to apologize for that. I can be overbearing.” Jim gave his best smile, lucky number seven and Spock blinked. He considered it a win. “We also worked extremely well together. I never would have managed to survive if you hadn't had my back. I...” Jim thought of Chris then and took a deep breath, he ignored his racing heart and his palms wanted to curl in on themselves. “I...hope one day we can come to trust one another and I want the chance to have that opportunity. I'm not going to hire a First Officer.” Spock raised his brow and Jim, smiling, continued, “Not until we're up in the air and I'll choose the best one I have on the ship. I hope you're there with us. But if not, I want to say it was, surprisingly, pleasant to meet you.” Spock stayed silent and he nodded sharply as if not quite sure what to say in response.

Jim was about to leave when he grinned and said, “Saros.” Spock the elder and...Jim gulped... Amanda's bondmate Sarek came walking up. Sarek turned to Spock and said, “You were late for our meeting. I apologize if we interrupted.” Sarek turned his eyes on Jim and Jim felt like running, far and fast in whatever direction was away. Then he turned to Saros and only slightly glared at the smiling smug expression. “Jim, it is good to see you again, my friend.” Jim ignored Spock's intense gaze as well as Sarek's and he returned to hug that Saros gave him. He also felt a wave of calmness come over him. Saros spoke almost humorously, “Sarek, I would like to formally introduce James Tiberius Kirk. James, this is S'chn T'gai Sarek. I do believe you two know of each other.” Jim tried not to act like a bumbling idiot. He knew the underlying tones of Spock's voice. Sarek knew Jim knew Amanda and had stayed in their home. He wondered for the first time how much Amanda had let slip, not only in talking about him but through the bond. He felt naked.

“It's a pleasure to meet you Sarek.” Jim glanced at Spock, Commander Spock or former Commander it looked like. “I will let you three get going to your previous arrangement. If you excuse me...I'll be going.” Jim almost made it free before Sarek spoke up. “Would you care to join us for lunch?” Jim turned in time to see Saros smiling slightly, Sarek looking stoic and Spock giving Sarek a sharp glance. To go..or not to go...Jim really tried not to look like an idiot.

As always, his mouth spoke before he could catch up. “Sure. I'd love to.”

* * *

 

Spock and him sat quietly together. Oddly enough, Jim had enjoyed the past two hours and despite being nervous and needing Saros to project some calm to him every now and then, he thought he did wonderfully. Now Sarek was paying for the bill, though Jim had put up a good fight. Saros had faked needing to comm T'Pau and now Spock and him were sitting, not looking at one another and both awkwardly quiet.

Suddenly, Spock piped up, his voice held some curiosity and Jim could tell he'd been wanting to ask for some time. “Jim, I...” Jim stayed silent waiting for Spock to form his question. “I once saw you with my mother. I was curious as to how you knew her.” Jim swallowed and looked down. He took a deep breath and said, “I met her a couple years ago. Complete accident. But she...uh...she let me stay with her for a bit.” Spock raised his eye brow at that. “And we stayed in touch. She was nice.” Jim inwardly winced at his assessment. He sounded so bland, so detached. But it was still raw and Spock accepted it, he nodded.

Finally, Jim couldn't hold back, he blamed the silence he always hated it, he said, “I miss her all the time. I lost a lot of good people that day. Captain Moore was a good friend, I've known, knew, him since I was eighteen. And Gaila, I still pick up my comm to call her sometimes. But Mandy,” Spock tensed at Jim's familiar tone and Jim noticed, his senses on high alert. “Mandy was one person I could say always would have had my back. Even if I was in the wrong. She saved my life in more ways that I could have ever told her. I am truly, truly grateful for having known her even a little while. I can tell you now Spock...I certainly wouldn't be sitting here with you if it hadn't been for her.” He didn't know if it was his tone of voice that he couldn't control, or his expression that he let slip but Spock somehow, slightly, relaxed. He didn't slump or show any softness to his features but Jim could tell. Jim ignored the pounding in his head as well as his fear when he saw Sarek returning with an almost hidden serious expression on his face. He had heard everything and Jim didn't know whether that was good or bad.

Saros, too, returned then. Rather than leaving, Sarek spoke, directing the question at him. “Saros tells me that you have designed plans for security specially designed for the Vulcan colony.” Spock gave his counterpart a wary look when Saros replied quietly and comfortably to Jim, “I keep almost nothing from my father, Jim. We have spent many nights talking about it and I have to agree with you in the plans being superior to Dvir's.” Jim wanted to fall in a hole and die but Saros smiled encouragingly and Spock looked intrigued. Jim took a deep breath and went to grab his PADD in his bag. His blueprints were so much better than Dvir's, no offensive to the brilliant strategist but Vulcans could be narrow minded.

“First off," Jim said easily, "I'll need to tell you about a brilliant Vulcan named Aloran. Long story, but he's brilliant with security, I lived with him for a month or so and he taught me a lot.”

Jim glanced at Spock and Spock didn't look closed off or aloof. His first officer for once, looked slightly similar to his counterpart both of them were leaning in ready to object, clarify, agree and learn. But it gave Jim hope that maybe he'd be okay and Amanda's son would too. One day.


	6. The Death of a Great Man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to inform all of you that I messed with the timeline of the movies. In the movies they met Khan before a full year was up after Nero's attack, I let Star Fleet rebuild a little more and recruit more people, before they went on their first mission. For all those who want a timeline Nero attacked April 2258 and Khan attacks in May of 2259. This is the last chapter before To Be Great. That story is going to involve Spock's Pov as well. I'd like to get into his mind a little and we will be seeing a lot of Jim's old allies and foes come back around. I won't be posting the first chapter of that for another week or two, as I'm only half way through it and still going through the whole outline of the story. I hope you guys stay tuned and thank you all for your amazing comments and kudos and likes!

When Jim walked onto the bridge he smiled through his nervousness. It was the first mission of his career, the first mission of most of their careers, Nero aside. And Jim was determined that it would go without a hitch. Nyota was there and she smiled back at him. Bones was looking humorously grumpy and Sulu and Chekov were working. Jim only realized he was tense when he saw Spock walk into the room. He immediately relaxed, which he didn't think about long enough to be surprised.

“Permission to come on board, Captain?”

“Permission granted,” Jim said feeling his chest tighten. He was beginning to think Spock would go back to the colony. And Spock made him smile with his next words, “As you have yet to select a first officer, respectively, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references.” Jim stood up and hoped he conveyed as much respect as he felt. It had been only nine months since the destruction of Vulcan, nine months of building, of chaos and heartbreak. And here Spock was ready to help with Star Fleet, ready to leave his colony behind because this, this is where he wanted to be. Jim never admired someone more than in that moment.

“It would be an honour, Commander.”

* * *

 

It was officially one year since a planet died. Since almost five billion Vulcans perished. Jim slept in, mostly because he was hungover. Bones had fallen asleep on the floor by the couch, a bottle of brandy in his hand still. Sulu and Chekov were passed out in the bathroom, that damn that little Russian out drank all them and they all listened to each other's morbid monologues on that day. Chekov cried. For a moment he felt silently guilty at getting an eighteen year old drunk but he shrugged, it caused too much nausea to care too deeply at that point in the morning.

Scotty was up, looking perfectly not hungover and digging in Jim's frigde. Scotty turned to look at him and grumbled out, “What do you eat, lad? There's nothing in the fridge.” Jim groaned and got a glass of water. “I don't know, usually I order out.” Honestly, the thought of food was seriously going to make him throw up.

They weren't prepared to face today. The ceremony was huge, Jim didn't think it would be that way. Chris was there beside him and he nodded when they called the Captain of the Enterprise up for his speech. He thought of Star Fleet then, of Vulcan and billions of lives. He did the best he could and he was applauded, he didn't try to look for Spock in the crowd this time around.

There was a subdued gathering, Jim wouldn't call it a party atmosphere, but the Admiral's were there talking about the future to scientists and politicians. Wait staff held trays of wine and bite sized appetizers, other than it not being so loud and merry, it was still a party to Jim.

Jim faked a smile to the Ambassador of X'en as he left with his partner and grabbed another piece of cheese something, which was rather hard to do and he always had a glass of champagne in his hand. “Be careful on those.” Bones said, downing a glass of scotch himself. “I hate these things.” Jim said, in reference to the not-party. Bones replied with his usual sarcasm, “Here, here.”

Surprising, Spock came up to them looking a little more robotic than usual. “I wished to give my appreciation for your speech earlier today, Captain. It was well written. I will be leaving now and I hope you have a successful night.” Jim's jaw almost dropped, he'd been there an hour and Chris told him he'd most likely be here all night. And Spock got to leave? So not fair.

“You're leaving already?” Spock nodded, replying, “Yes, I do not believe my presence is required at this time.” Jim was about to argue, that yes it was, because Spock was there with Jim, partnered with Jim and they defeated Nero together. If Jim had to go through this, then so too should Spock. And then Bones nudged him, cutting him off and Jim realized, that oh, Spock was a Vulcan and this was a lament of Vulcan's demise.

“Alright, let's all get out of here.” Spock's eyebrow went up and Bones looked ready to follow, even if he did sigh and say, “We're so going to have our asses handed to us by Admiral Barnett.”

That night Jim, Bones and Spock ended up a quiet little pub downtown. They talked about medicine, about papers they read and hopes for what they would be doing out in space in the coming months (Spock thought this was illogical and didn't give his opinion on the matter), they talked about everything that wasn't Nero, or Vulcan. Jim only had to stop Bones and Spock from arguing six times, he thought they were doing better, honestly.

They walked around town all night and Jim managed to convince Spock to try some ice cream at the only twenty-four hour bakery on Elm Street at four in the morning. He tried making him have chocolate but Spock refused pointing out that fact that Jim and Bones were only then sobering up and one of them had to remain cognitive. That led to a fifteen minute conservation and debate over the merits of a group getting drunk with v.s. without a sober companion. Jim couldn't remember which side won but he was sure either way Spock would take advantage of the information some how.

It actually ended up being not the worst night in their memories. 

* * *

 

It was a five year mission. It had to be. Everything so far has been going great. Three missions and all of them had ended up exactly as he planned. Well Nibiru had been a little hit and miss but the Admiralty didn't need to know about that. Spock refused to see it his way, Jim didn't let it bring it bring him down. He even told the twins he'd see them again and his good mood was staying.

“Uneventful.”

Confused, Jim asked, “Admiral?”

“That's the way you describe the survey of Nibiru on your captain's log.” Chris said looking tired and upset. “Uh., yes sir. I didn't want to waste your time going over the details-” Jim knew something was wrong. “Yes. Tell me more about this volcano.” Jim tensed. “The data said it was highly volatile. If it were to erupt, it would wipe out the planet.” Jim kept it up, he silently hoped Pike would let this go. He hummed a non-committed answer and then said, “Let's hope it doesn't, Sir.” Pike replied immediately, “Something tells me it won't.”

Jim saw Spock tense and he really had a bad feeling. It all came out and he looked at Spock, hurt and most of all surprised. “You filed a report?”

Jim couldn't help but feel betrayed. He respected Spock, wanted to work with him and even went out of his way to invite him onto the Enterprise and here he went and filed a report on him? Maybe he had been right, maybe he shouldn't have tried to trust again. Jim felt a burst of anger and looked away. Spock replied quickly, “I incorrectly assumed you that you would be truthful in your captain's log.” Jim answered just as fast and tried to convey all of his frustration, “Yeah, I would have been, if I didn't save your life.” A small part of him that he knew he'd feel a hundred times guilty about feeling like he should have left him there. And the thing was, Spock being logical and a fucking robot, probably would agree with him. And then he spoke, “A fact for which I immeasurably grateful and the very reason to take responsibility for the actions...”

Jim couldn't stand it any longer. Spock had to be smarter than that. “Take responsibility, yeah. That'd be so noble, Pointy, if you weren't throwing me under the bus.” Spock immediately looked confused and he asked, “Pointy? Is that a derogatory reference...”

Pike interrupted before Jim could reply. He hadn't been this upset in a long time. Figures, it would be Spock to make him so. He stood straight as Spock was dismissed. And right then, he was back to disappointing people. He waited to hear it. When Pike said, “I gave you my ship because I saw greatness in you and now I see you haven't got an ounce of humility.” Jim couldn't help it, he turned to Pike. He truly needed an answer. “What was I supposed to do? Let Spock die?”

“You're missing the point.” What other point was there?

“I don't think I am. What would you have done?” Chris looked even more upset as he replied, “I wouldn't have risked my first officers life in the first place.” Jim bit his tongue and stopped. When Pike brought up the mandate, he knew, he knew every regulation of Star Fleet and his stomach dropped at the knowledge. No. Not so soon. Not now. That damned Vulcan! He was frozen, shocked and once again had to witness another humiliation. And just like that, he wasn't a captain. He had never felt worse. It was as if he had gotten a glimpse of something better, just a sip of something that wasn't bad or horrible and just as quickly it was taken from him. He had planned game night with Chekov and wanted to talk about core processing with Scotty, he had just gotten into a grove with Uhura. He loved his ship and he got the best crew in the Fleet, he hand-picked all of them himself. He needed to be captain. He needed to be someone.

Jim had done what he believed to be right, he had looked at Spock's hidden expression when Spock had informed him of the volcano exploding and knew right then he couldn't let another race die. If this was anyone's fault it was having them survey a dying planet with beings that were living and whole and needed saving, it was Star Fleet's fault for asking them to do it.

Jim ended up at a bar, a good bar, with strong drinks. He didn't comm anyone, no one knew what tomorrow was going to bring. That at twenty-six, Jim had been captain of the best ship in the Fleet and in less than four months of active duty had to give it up. He'd be laughed at all over the academy. Half of him wanted to just get it over with so that he could rise up naturally, if slowly. Another bit of him itched to take off tonight, to get his shuttle and go into space alone and free. But he thought of Saros and Spock and Bones. He didn't know how it happened but he didn't want to leave them, even if he knew they'd leave him soon anyway.

And then Pike showed up. The last guy he wanted to see _. Seriously, he took his ship, couldn't he leave him alone to mope for a bit?_ When Jim heard that the Enterprise was going back to him, a large part of him hated Pike. But he had to admit, even to himself, if not to him, Pike was an excellent choice and he had to admit, underneath this, Jim would get over it. Jim wouldn't hate him forever. He'd try not to, at least.

“Watch your back with that first officer, though.” He said, still pissed at Spock. “Spock's not going to be my first officer.” Jim was surprised, Spock, even if he was an epic jackass, was the first choice he thought of with Pike. And Pike, once more surprised him. “You're going to be my first officer.” Jim's heart leapt at that. A chance, he still had a chance. He wouldn't go straight back to the academy. He was truly stunned when Pike said he argued for him.

Someone actually argued _for_ him.

Jim took a moment to respond and had to stop himself from tearing up. He was not emotional, but this was the very first time anyone had done anything like this. “What did you tell him?” He couldn't help but ask, he was truly floored by what Chris had done. And curious, what would someone say in defence of him?

“The truth, that I believe in you. That if anyone deserves a second chance, it's Jim Kirk.”

At that, Jim had to look away. Chris really meant that and just as he knew he would, Jim felt guilty that he had been so furious at him. Within that moment, all his anger fled and morphed into gratitude. And he truly had no response to that. “I don't know what to say.” Thank you seemed so small. Chris smiled and said, “Now that's a first.” Jim couldn't even smile, his concentration was on keeping his expression calm. Chris saw through him and said, “It's going to be okay, son.”

For once in Jim's life, he really believed Chris when he heard that.

* * *

 

Jim's first reaction was, guards. They were armed and MACCO trained. His old instincts kicked in and his alertness went up, there were seven exits and Jim's hands twitched for a weapon. He was still angry at Spock but less than what he was before. “Not Captain, Spock. I've been demoted and you've been reassigned.” And Spock had the balls to say the consequences could have been more severe. Vulcans!

After being snubbed the second time, Jim was ready to give up. Amanda was dead and Spock was making it increasingly frustrating to even approach, he was ready to label Spock as co-worker and maybe one day acquaintance in some Admiral's celebration. He really didn't know how Nyota did it, he was impressed against his will.

He shared a look with Spock as they were informed about what happened in London, both of them intensely thinking. _Christ,_ Jim thought, and his second thought was, _none of this makes sense_. Jim frowned going over the screen. He knew war and this was his area of expertise. Looking around the photo he grew more confused. He spoke letting his mind roll over all those strategies of war. Then it clicked. It was a trap. He knew it and he jumped up.

“Clear the room!"

* * *

 

 

Jim found Spock and Chris together. He knew Christopher Alexander Pike was gone but he still checked for a pulse. Jim couldn't keep it all inside, not now, not after everything he lost. Adrenaline was pumping through his system, his head was pounding and Spock was beside him, but Chris, Chris the one person left alive who really, truly thought he was worth something was now gone.

Jim couldn't hold back a sob and tired his best not to scream, his chest was tight, a lump was in his throat and a good man, a great man was dead. Jim didn't know how to let go of another person. One more in the long line of people who died or left. He composed himself, though, he knew he couldn't break down yet, he was kolinahr. He wanted to, everything inside him was screaming but he took a deep breath and looked at Spock who for once looked as lost as he did.

Absently, he leaned on Spock as he stood and walked away from what was most likely the only father figure he ever had or would have. His emotions pushed down as best as he could, the next thought he had was, _how did John Harrison get his transporter equation?_ No one in this galaxy should be able to beam out when they weren't on some kind of transporter pad. That took his technology and Scotty's equation. Jim was going to find and and when he did, there'd be hell to pay.

* * *

 

Jim's agony and shock turned into fury during the night. He didn't sleep, didn't believe he'd never see Chris again, never have him teach him right from wrong or the finer points of morality, of being a captain. There was so much more he could have learned from Chris. So, very much more. And Rachel, how was Rachel going to do without her husband?

Jim took in a deep breath and prepared himself for war. He argued his case. He'd get Reklor involved if he had to. He'd go in as himself, as Sorren, he'd contact Kalan and Argan for those favours he was owed. “Star Fleet can't go in, but I can.” He's get that son of a bitch and he'd gut him.

Spock gave him a sharp look trying to remind him that John was in the uninhabited section of Kronos. Jim got it, he just didn't care. Neither did Marcus it seemed. If Jim were not ready to kill, if he wasn't Sorren Hart in that moment. He would have instantly disliked Marcus and his readiness for war. But right then, all he saw a stepping stone that was welcoming him up and he took it, leaping.

* * *

 

When Carol came aboard Jim thought of Chris. _Trust_ , he could do that. He wasn't going to open a single personal file on his people, he was going to do what Chris wanted him to, trust his crew and Star Fleet. Besides, he knew if there was a need, Spock would be on that. And Spock was his first officer, he could count on him to obey the fucking rules.

Mostly, he let her on board because it pissed off Spock, and Jim could hold a grudge. 

Everything right then was black and white. Bones kept on reminding him about his health and vitals, but Jim would be damned if said, he knew all about it and it was the bond pulsing strongly making his temper sharpen. Firing Scotty hurt him for a total of ten seconds and then he pushed the man out of his mind. He was concentrated, focused but Scotty's words in his mind kept echoing and then he made the mistake of looking back at Spock. At logical, fair and worried Spock. Shit. He needed to be better, he needed to be the good captain.

Was this good? It was for Pike, for Moore, for all those that just died, forty-two of them. How many did they have to lose?

But Jim looked at Spock he and sighed. The shuttle ride down to Kronos was awkward. Uhura and Spock were arguing and Jim felt like the little kid in the middle. “Are..are you really going to do this right now?” Jim listened but when Uhura said, “I'm not the only one upset with you, the captain is too.” “No, no, no, don't drag me into this.” Then he turned to Spock and couldn't help but say bluntly and casually, “She is right.”

Jim listened as Spock explained how his emotional suppression was due to the fact that he felt so deeply. Jim understood that. He also listened to Spock's explanation of the day of Vulcan and his mind turned to Tevik, and if he would be as open to Jim as Spock was being to Nyota when they met again. Tevik had to have changed from the death of his people. Jim, oddly enough had a moment of loneliness before they were attacked.

Harrison was too good of a fighter. Jim could take maybe one or two Klingon's in a good fight. He was an expert fighter and had gone up against races stronger than him before. But Harrison, he took out dozens and three ships besides. When he came forward, Jim knew something was very wrong with all of this. He took out all of his frustration on Harrison's face. Not that it hurt him much. He hated Harrison, something about him put Jim on edge. And he didn't need edge right then. He wanted to lash out, he wanted to hit something, beat something, kill Harrison. He couldn't help it, something was nagging him and he contacted Scotty, he opened up one of those torpedoes.

He never regretted something more.

Carol Marcus not fucking Wallace. The same fucking day he promised not to go into people's files. _Why did this shit always happen to him?_ At least Spock looked into it like he thought he would. Now they really needed to focus on the communication part of their relationship. And for relationships, he really did not need to hear Bones flirting, it always made him cringe in the academy and continued to do so. He shook his head and then tensed when he heard Bones shout. His heart raced.

_Not Bones, not Bones, not Bones._

The countdown on the torpedo was so fucking fast. It was going to explode and take his brother way from him. He jumped up and then almost collapsed with relief when he heard Carol curse. Bones voice echoed over the comm and Jim's heart refused to slow down. Fuck, he hated today.

And on top of it all, there were bodies in those fucking torpedoes.

* * *

 

It was Marcus, he wasn't very surprised, betrayed, but not surprised. John Harrison, became Khan Noonien Singh and once more the world went to shit.

Jim didn't want to believe it. Star Fleet was supposed to be better. Star Fleet wasn't supposed to be MACCO, but he had been ready, he had marched into space already a MACCO pawn. He hated being someone's pawn. A part of him agreed with Marcus and every time he did, he glanced at Spock. The majority of his mind was thinking about seventy-two other lives that he would have taken without knowing. He decided then he wasn't giving up shit. And just like that Carol raced on board and they were in the first ever warp pursuit.

Jim was once more floored, they developed advanced warp capabilities, he had worked on that exact thing on board the Crucible, hearing the screams of Micheal down the hall, just ten years ago. They were hit and he knew, with his heart racing and stomach dropping that he had finally lost his luck and his people were the ones now dying because of it. His people were going to die.

They flew off course. When Carol spoke to her father, it was the first time he was actually grateful he didn't have a relationship with his parents. He could never be disappointed by them again. Then, she disappeared and their fate was being sealed. Jim jumped in, trying his best to save the people left. These were his people, these were his responsibilities. Chris flashed before his eyes and he knew exactly what he was trying to tell him. This was humility, this was wishing for one more second. He needed to save his people. Jesus, he couldn't be the death of all these lives. Please god, don't let him kill any more people.

Jim was choosing Star Fleet, he was choosing peace, not a little, not with smile number nineteen, he was truly, one hundred percent choosing these people and he did, in that moment, trust and love each and every one of them. “Wait Sir, wait, wait, wait! Sir, my crew was just following my orders, I take full responsibility for my actions, but they were mine and they were mine alone. If I transmit Khan's location to you now all that I ask is that you spare them.” He took a deep breath and let it all go. He wasn't anyone in that moment, he was pretending or hiding, if his crew thought him weak, that was okay. He would beg for them.

“Please Sir. I'll do anything you want. Just let them live.”

It didn't matter. Nothing he said or did mattered at all. This was it. Turning around was the hardest thing he had to do. Facing them, he said the only thing he could. “I'm sorry.” Jim was truly, truly sorry for all that he had done. He was so fucking sorry, he couldn't be Chris or Spock or someone worthy and great, someone able to save them.

Scotty! Scotty stopped the missiles!

Jesus bloody hell, he loved that man! Just like that, his mind started to race with plans. Spock tried to stop him and Jim spoke without thinking, it was completely true. “You're right! What I'm about to do it doesn't make any sense, it isn't logical, it is a _gut_ feeling.” He spoke passionately, the day's tolls mounting on him. Spock stopped and he continued, “I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, I only know what I _can_ do. The Enterprise needs someone in that chair that knows what he's doing. That's not me, that's _you_ Spock.” He knew then, that he was speaking the truth. Spock was a better captain. Jim was first and foremost a solider and he really didn't want to be. For now, it would have to do.

Talking to Khan was horrible but it was done and then they were flying through space, headed towards a way too small door and it was amazingly frightening. He was doing to die, crash head first into a huge-ass spacecraft. Landing, having not believed he could make it, made his body shake, he spoke panting slightly, “It's good to see you Scotty.”

They were on board and Jim set the phasers to stun. They ran onto the bridge firing. Scotty stunned Khan and Jim had Marcus in his chair. It was going okay until Khan woke up and then pounced and Jim was hurled to the floor. Genetically-altered and fucking insane, Khan crushed Marcus' skull with his bare hands. Jim's eyes widened at the sight and Carol screamed. He tried telling Spock not to do it, not to give in, but he was hit and a hit from Khan was like getting hit by a fully enraged Vulcan. Jim couldn't help passing out.

* * *

 

He woke up towards the end of Khan's speech, about how he would target the oxygen systems. _Why the fuck would Marcus wake these people up?_ He was kicked hard and he gasped as a few ribs crack. Then he heard Spock give back the seventy-two leverage chips. _No, no, no, Spock please don't be noble right now_. Khan was going to kill them all and he announced it too, just as he beamed them back aboard the Enterprise.

The ship was rocked with missiles and then he heard Spock's voice over the comms unit, wonderful, beautiful, fantastic Spock who said, “Enterprise, prepare for imminent proximity denotation.” “What's he talking about?” Scotty asked helping him carry Carol to med bay. “What denotation?” Jim could have laughed if he could get enough breath, as he replied, “The torpedoes. He armed the damn torpedoes!” Bones was a wonderful sight to see and Jim couldn't help but be awed.

“He killed Khan's crew.” Bones replied quickly, “Spock's cold but he's not that cold. I've got Khan's crew. Seventy-two human popsicles. Safe and sound in their cryo-tubes.” Jim was utterly awed and impressed. He couldn't help but feel respect for the damned Vulcan. He spoke without meaning to.

“Son of a bitch.”

* * *

 

Only then came the scary part. There was no power, the ship was rolling, trapped in Earth's gravity and headed toward a truly fatal crash. Jim and Scotty held on, they rolled and ran through twisting corridors. Shit, shit, shit. “One bloody day! I'm never leaving this ship again, if this is the condition I get it back in! You got that!” Scotty said falling down. They ran as fast as they could to the warp core and everything that Jim heard told him one thing. Someone needed to go inside and manually set the core right. It would also kill that person. Well, at least he'd die doing something truly good, something his father would surely approve of.

Jim hit Scotty hard enough in the right place for him to fall unconscious, took a deep breath and went into the core of the Enterprise. He knew he was leaving Reklor behind, he was leaving his debts unpaid, Kalan and Argan would forever be shamed as well as their entire clans. He would never get to tell Spock about his memories of Amanda, or be the best man at Bones wedding.

Jim Kirk climbed in the tunnel and thought of Chris, he thought of Amanda and Moore and all those good people. Star Fleet people. He'd be remembered as one of them and Jim desperately wanted that. All the while he thought this, his bond tensed and frayed. Tevik's voice entered his mind for the first time in years. “Jim what you are attempting to do will kill you. I advise you, now, to stop.” He screamed at the pain and shook his head. “Not a good time, Tevik! Not a fucking good time!” Jim tried his best to ignore the stabbing pain in his head but he was also thankful, it overrode the pain his body was experiencing and he moved quicker, climbing higher.

Panting, he couldn't believe he made it to the top. His eyes were watering from the pain and he kicked the conduit back into place and then with pain blaring through his mind, he was thrown backwards. It was a few moments later when he woke up and he knew he needed to get out. Even if he knew there was no escape, he wanted to be as far away from the core as possible. Jim didn't remember much about getting back, only that Tevik was close and Jim was surprised to find that Tevik didn't want him to die. He was concentrating on Jim, for once not being able to block him and that closeness after years of rejection made Jim hurt even more. He wished Sam were here, he wished he was someone different, worthy of this ship, of this life he tried to live. He wanted to be Star Fleet and he finally understood Chris completely. To be respective of this position, the people around him and the chair, he got it. He finally loved Star Fleet and everything that she truly meant to the galaxy, after a lifetime of hating her, not trusting, Jim finally opened himself up to it.

And he'd never be able to tell Chris or anyone else what a huge milestone he just passed.

 _There's one upside_ , he thought, his thoughts now wandering and unfocused, he wouldn't have to go through another Pon Farr, and he wouldn't have lasted that one without Amanda guiding him out. “Tevik,” he called out. “Tevik, you wouldn't have made it next year either.” He was panting, he felt Tevik's sadness and his shame. It was first time Jim really felt it. It wasn't directed at Jim, Tevik wasn't ashamed of him or disgusted. Tevik only felt that way about himself. Jim could feel him, grown now, a man with a whole world of regrets that centred on his own weaknesses. Tevik and him had never been compatible, they had been tied together purely by the worse of situations. But Tevik had been there throughout everything in Jim's life, Tevik had witnessed it all, even distantly. And Jim didn't realize how much he loved the fact that someone had seen it all.

“I'm so sorry, Jim. For everything.”

Jim groaned at the pain, both mental and physical. “Me too, Tev. Me too.” It didn't matter then, all the years of pain, all the anger. It was ending and suddenly the door was ahead. Jim could see Scotty, his favourite person, Scotty. Jim closed his eyes for a moment and he reached up to close the door. Opening his eyes, he saw Spock, it took him a moment to recognize him and not see Tevik.

This was Spock, Amanda's Spock, his Spock.

“How's our ship?” He asked, exhausted and panting. It was almost funny, seeing the emotions plainly on Spock's face. How different Spock was from Tevik, from all the Vulcans he had been so connected to. He was strong and fierce, yet utterly moral, this mission really showed that to Jim. Last time, he showed a hint of it but Spock had truly gained his respect this time around. Jim was surprised at just how different Tevik and Spock were of each other. A full blood Vulcan and the Hybrid. Tevik seemed uncomfortable with his line of thought.

 _I've known Spock for a year and I think better of him than you, that's surprising_. Tevik tried to retreat but it was too late, they were one and Tevik was going to know what it felt like when a bondmate died. Perhaps it was the worst thing Jim could do to his old friend. A little bit of black karma, of Jim's long thought of revenge. “Out of danger. You saved the crew.” Spock looked awed himself, Jim blamed the radiation. He replied, “You used what he wanted against him.” Jim wanted to spend the last of his moments telling Spock exactly how much he respected him. He hoped Spock knew because he wouldn't be here for much longer.

Jim thought he'd fight harder, Adalyn was out there, Jenna was going to be pissed. But mostly Jim was glad that he could tell Spock anything, and he was finally excepting the simple fact that he'd be free, if eternally alone. “That's a nice move.” Jim said, his bond twisting more. He remembered being whipped as a boy and it felt like that only sharper, sharp enough for him to concentrate solely on the Vulcan in front him. Amanda's son, someone who deserved to live long and truly prosper.

Spock spoke truthfully, openly, “It is what you would have done.” Jim could have smiled, that was for sure. He looked up at his first officer and said, “And this....this is what you would have done. It was only logical.” Jim took a deep breath and really pictured death, he had escaped it so many times, he truly thought he'd live at least until his forties. But this was it, no escape, final and for once, Jim didn't question it.

This was death.

He was going to be alone in the dark, forever gone. He didn't hide his tears as he said, “I'm scared Spock.” He always hated being alone. Jim spoke, the words he never would have imagined saying, not to a Vulcan, not ever.

“Help me not be.”

Suddenly, he was so glad that Spock was here, because while he was spending an eternity alone, he wasn't dying alone in a ditch like he had always thought he'd go. Then Spock started to cry and Jim knew, knew in that moment he truly did trust this man. Vulcan, man, hybrid, his eyes were caramel brown and he always tried to steer Jim right and true. Jim wished he had one more day, one more day to just connect with Spock. They could have been great friends, just like Amanda had always said.

Jim felt that loss suddenly and asked, “How do you choose not to feel?” It felt as if his chest was ripping open, his skull splitting and the rest of his body was aching, slowly turning lifeless and dying. Spock shook his head, trying to describe it and not being able to do so. “I do not know. Right now I am failing.” Jim's vision was going black around the edges and he knew he had to speak now. Tell Spock he considered him a friend, a true, good friend and if he had time, he promised he'd never flinch in his company.

“I want you to know why I couldn't let you die, why I went back for you.” Jim didn't need to explain, Spock was on the same thought. Spock finished for him, saying seriously, sorrowfully and quietly, “Because you are my friend.” Jim couldn't believe a Vulcan said that to him and Spock of all Vulcans. Vulcans, he knew, they didn't have friends, it wasn't part of their being. Tevik hadn't considered him a friend not to be mean but simply because culturally he wasn't able to label him that way, Vulcan's didn't understand friendship in the way humans did. Sam had always been the special case.

Jim couldn't keep from coughing as he watched a tear fall down Spock's cheek and he did the only thing he could.

He reached out.

Jim reached out to a Vulcan, to Spock, really wanting to feel the cool skin under his palms, to feel connected. He wanted to live, he wanted to be a Vulcan's friend. Spock reached out as well, his hand in the traditional ta'al. Jim's eyes focused on that simple gesture, one that meant so many things. A greeting, a goodbye, a gesture of peace and bonding. Friendship. Jim felt Tevik strain in his mind, closer than before. It was blinding, his chest was tightening, it was coming to an end. Jim looked up at Spock, seeing the Vulcan's pain and he truly wished he had more time. Tevik was one with him and he could feel his pain, as if it were his own. Oddly enough, he was too focused in this single moment to feel anything about it.

There was only one Vulcan Jim could concentrate on. Looking at Spock, his vision dimmed until he took in a ragged breath and with his hand still trying to hold onto Spock, he let himself be carried away into the never ending darkness, alone, his mind once more, only his.

* * *

 

It was dark and in the darkness he heard Sam calling him. Clear as day, his brother, sixteen years old and healthy, strong, with eyes lit up, called out, “Jimmy! C'mon, we're going to be late!” Jim ran down the stairs, not an ounce of fear in him, he ran through the living room and into the foyer. The door slid open and there outside was Sam getting into that god damned red car. Sam grinned and said, “What do you say, we just keep driving?”

Jim grinned and started to run. He heard whispers that slowly got louder, he frowned and turned his head. They swarmed around him, many voices, too many to decipher from each other. The farm was beautiful, green as it only get's in mid-July. The sky was a bright, beautiful blue and the wind smelt like the wildflowers that grew across the street in the fields. “Hey, Sam, you hear that?” Sam didn't look worried he called out, “C'mon slow poke, we gotta get moving.” Sam started the car and music came on. Classical, the kind with slow dances and Deltan singing, said to be the most romantic in the galaxy.

“You hate that music,” Jim said as he opened the car door. Sam grinned and shrugged, “Yeah I do. But I know you go for this shit. So how about, you get the first half with music then we'll switch?” Jim nodded, sounded fair, if Sammy had to put up with his tastes, Jim could take the beating music of those damned Caitians. Just before he got in, he heard his name being called. Soft yet clear it made him jump. There right behind him was a Vulcan.

“Jim.”

Jim felt fear crash down around him, the world went grey, except for that bright red car. It looked like safety in that moment. Sam called out, “Jimmy! Get in!” He hurried to move but glanced up at the wrong time. Because he saw eyes that weren't black, they weren't hard or stoic or hiding. Caramel brown like someone he used to know, soft, open and....sad. Jim had never before seen such sad eyes, except in the mirror.

“Jim. This is your choice. I will accept whatever one you make.” And a Vulcan, a Vulcan held out his hand. Jim swallowed and Sam reached out for him too. Sam, his brother, his safety was ready to leave with him, was ready to listen to Jim's music for hours possibly. They'd talk, reconnect, and Jim, Jim didn't really know the Vulcan, did he. He was someone he barely even got to know. The Vulcan didn't move, barely breathed, as if to do so might make Jim bolt. He didn't know what he was choosing. He only knew he was here, at his home, with his brother getting ready to leave it all behind. He wasn't scared, but the man scared him, the Vulcan with his hand outstretched and his sad eyes. Those eyes drew him in, made him hesitate, he hated being alone, it always made that look in the mirror. He reached out without thinking what it would mean and he said, “I really don't want you looking like that.”

Spock tilted his head, his fingers curling and clutching Jim's, he replied, “Like what?” Jim looked up, feeling small in his thirteen year old body, “Alone. No one should be alone. Do you want to join?” Again, Spock looked confused. Jim looked back to call to Sam, wondering if he'd mind a third party. But Sam was gone, so was the farm, it was pure black. He was in nothing, he was Nothing. Fear spiked up and he clutched to Spock. “No, no, no, no. Don't let me go. Don't let me go.” There was nothing, nothing but Spock in front of him, anchoring him and Spock held him, saying, “Calm yourself Jim. You are safe. I will not let go.” Jim clung on, shutting his eyes tightly, not wanting to see the blackness surrounding them, instead he focused on feeling strong arms around him, protecting him from the dark.

He screamed.

* * *

 

Jim bolted up from the nightmare, he took a deep breath and blinked, trying to orientate himself. He thought it was a nightmare until he saw Bones, the room around him. He was in a hospital and it all rushed back. His expression must have given his shock away because Bones spoke, reaching over to monitor him, “Oh don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took it's toll. You were out cold for two weeks.”

Jim was confused, “Transfusion?” He had no idea what was going on. Hadn't he died? What happened?

“Your cells were heavily radiated, we had no choice.” Then Jim got it, and more questions popped up. “Khan.” Khan's blood must have healed him. What happened to him? Bones banter was truly needed and Jim would have smiled if he had energy. Then he saw Spock and he finally felt like this wasn't a dream.

“You saved my life.” Jim told him, still feeling him in his mind. Bones piped up, “Uhura and I had something to do with it, you know.” Jim ignored him and so too did Spock. “You saved my life Captain and the lives of-” “Stop.” Jim cut him off softly. It wasn't what he meant. He took a moment and said everything that mattered, “Thank you.” Spock understood and he merely replied, “You are welcome, Jim.”

Jim knew then, that they had finally found common ground. Somehow they had shifted and were finally, fragilely, standing toe to toe.

They were going to make a fucking great team.


End file.
